Had another...

....crazy ass nightmare last night. This time, it was my whole family were all a trip, and we made a sort of caravan up some winding mountain road.  Both of my brothers (oldest and youngest, not my step-brothers) were riding in a green Jeep behind us.

Why do I so vividly remember a green Jeep, I don't know. No one I've known has ever owned a green Jeep, but it sticks out in my mind.

As we're riding, up, I notice in the side mirror that the Jeep my brothers are in going over the ledge of the cliff, and down to the river before.  No one else notices. I have to scream for my husband to stop the car. You can clearly see the Jeep in the river, and no one does anything. I try to climb down, but the cliff face is too steep. I try to slide, roll, whatever to get down to the river, and get my brothers out. (I know this seems like some huge feat, but really, the vehicle wasn't even completely submerged. Like maybe chest high water?

After they get out, I go back for a bag, because there is something really important in that bag. I don't know what it is, but is was more important than anything. Also, during this time, the rest of my family is still at the top of the cliff watching us.


I'm one of those kinds of people that are half way between 'Your dreams are just jumbles mess your subconscious slaps together' and 'EVERYTHING in your dream has a meaning, read this book about dreams!!!!!'

I know there is a meaning here.  I know I've been thinking a lot about my brothers lately. Regardless of what everyone else says, my two brothers and I really are kinda outsiders to the family.  When we get together 'as a family', it's my step-mothers family, not ours. All three of us have a really bad relationship with our mothers, and we are all starting to admit to ourselves that we are having issues and are trying to fix them.

Anyway, it's early, need coffee, but I had to get this down first.

Of Nightmares and Men

Don't know why I choose that title, but I like it, so =P

So we all know that one of the best and easiest things for good mental (really overall) health is sleep.
But what about when that sleep isn't good? 

I need sleep a lot. I'm one of those that 8 hours really isn't enough, so I usually cut my day short and get to bed pretty damn early.

Lately, the past couple of months, I've been having an insane amount of nightmares.  Like maybe 3 or 4 a week. I've always had them, but they are getting worse.

I know that they're linked to my anxiety, but it doesn't matter what I take before bed to calm me down, I still have them.

So I have this almost endless cycle of having a really bad nightmare (or several small ones) that results in me have very little restful sleep. So I wake up groggy and already on edge. Those seem to be the days that I have my major meltdowns. 

Like this morning.

So I missed Yoga yesterday. It was a bad day, and I just wasn't mentally prepared for it. But, I had today off, with it being the 4th and all, so I was going to get a good nights sleep, and head to the 10 am class.

It didn't work out that way. I had so many nightmares last night, I may have even been better off skipping the sleep all together. I don't remember a lot of details about the dreams, but I do remember being chased, which is top on my list of recurring nightmares. I think I woke up about 5 or 6 times in the night from different dreams.

So when I got up this morning, I was already worn down.  I was more mentally exhausted than I was before I went to bed last night, and I only finally fell asleep because my panics had worn me down to that point.

So I guess it comes to no surprise that I just couldn't do anything. I sat here in front of the computer, trying to just veg out until it was time to get ready, and it just hit me. An overwhelming sense of dread and despair.

Lots of really bad stuff went through my head, I yelled and screamed a lot, and it all ended with me taking a 4 hour nap, which means I missed the last Yoga class of the day, so yeah, I lost the challenge.

Sorry if you were hoping for something motivating. Didn't happen today.

Yoga Challenge: Day 3

So Day 3 didn't happen at all.

I lost out to my anxiety, again. It wasn't even really about the class. Well, maybe a little, but more just me being upset and pissed at life.

So how does it work? How can you have something that just really pisses you off, and then just let it go and not effect the rest of your day?  It seems I've never learned that concept.

So something set me off today, and I went onto a rant forum on Ravelry to, well, rant about it. It's supposed to be a place to let off steam.  But of course, there is always that one person that has to point out something that just pisses you off even more.

I don't know why I get so upset over such little things. Maybe I was never taught to let go as a child? Maybe I picked up the habit of holding a grudge from my mother, who, by the way, I still hold a huge grudge against?

Any way, I was way to worked up and exhausted to make the trip out to the yoga studio, so I decided to just come home and weep in shame. 

I am going tomorrow though, since I have a day off.  I'll get to sleep in, which is nice, because I've been cutting my sleeping hours down by way too much lately. I think I got maybe 5 hours last night? That may explain why I was so cranky all day.

It could also have something to do with the fact that I chose to do this on a week that I'm working 10 hour days in order to earn some comp time. I'm thinking now that that may have been a bad idea on my part.

Oh well. There is always tomorrow!

Yoga Challenge: Day 2

Yeah, so Day 2 did not go so well.

Yesterday was the first day at the new location. That on top of the fact that they just had a really good Groupon means that the place was packed. I mean, I was jealous of the room sardines get.

So I always show up early to class, to make sure I get a good spot, and I'll admit, it's usually by a door so that if they decide to crack them, I'm right there for the fresh air. That's half because of the heat, half because of the smell.

So I picked a spot close the the wall with the door, but these doors are different. There's a giant window wall that shows out to the parking lot, and I didn't want people outside to watch me, and didn't want the setting sun in my eyes, so I picked right by a pillar.  Wasn't a smart move on my part, but I'll get to that later.

I laid down and closed my eyes like I normally do, trying to get my zen on before class, so I was shocked to see when I stood up that there was easily 50 to 60 people in this class. My heart jumped. I thought I was lucky at the time to have at least one wall next to me, because I had someone in front, behind, and to my right all withing 'personal' space range. Like maybe a foot or two away from me.

I am not one that likes being very close to people, and we all know how I really can't stand being in large crowds, so even though I remembered to take my Xanax an hour before class, I started to panic.

I had to move around during Pranayama breathing because I was bumping my elbow against the guy next to me and the wall beside me. With Half Moon pose, I couldn't bend to my left, because I had a wall 6'' to my left.

By the time we got to Awkward Pose, my heart was racing, but not because of the heat. I was scared. I just couldn't do it any more.  For the first time in the 6 months I've been doing Bikram Yoga, I left the room. I just couldn't take it.  Of course, the teacher at the desk was worried I was dehydrated, having heat stroke, or just over worked, so it took some time to explain to her that I was having a panic attack. First day at the new location and I end up hyperventilating and crying in the lobby. Greeeaaat.

After about 10-15 minutes I was finally able to calm myself down and went back into the class. They were just starting Standing Bow, which I've always enjoyed, so I tried to get into it, but wasn't warmed up enough so I twinged my back. I took it down a notch was able to do much better.

Problems arose again during the Standing Separate Leg Stretching. The dude to my right went to the back of his mat, which meant I had to be in the front. But, the dude straight in front of me was also at the back. Which meant if I had bent down in a swan dive motion like I'm supposed to, I would have ended up with my face in his balls.  Not something I ever really want to do.

I had to skip out on Triangle pose all together, again because there just wasn't enough room. Savasana was even worse, because I had some dudes feet next to my face, and EVERY time he flexed his foot I got smacked in the face with it. Didn't help that the guy had yellow toenails. I was also very self conscious of the fact that my feet were in someone else's face. The lady behind me was so close that our mats were literally touching, and she didn't even shift to the side, she was directly behind me. So I had to lay at an angle, off my mat, just so I wouldn't kick her. That of course messed with my OCD because I was crooked on the mat, so more mental crap there.

((My OCD is very minor, and mostly has to do with things being even and centered.  When I meditate, if I'm not smack in the middle of the mat or bed, I can't focus. If a bra strap is lower than the other, I can't focus until it's fixed. If a chair is leaning to one side, I can't focus until it's fixed. So yeah, laying at an angle with my head and feet off the mat really set off my OCD))

By this time, I was just so fed up with the class that I hardly even tried in the floor series. Even the Savasana's were hard, because if I had my head to the right, dudes feet, head to the left, bright ass sun set in my eyes. Felt like I needed sunglasses.

So all in all, not enjoyable, BUT!!! I'm still going again tonight. I know, I'm crazy, right? I'm just going to make sure I'm there early enough to get a spot in the front of the class, right up against the mirrors. The idea of being in the front does make me a little self conscious, but I think I could deal with that better than stinky feet hitting me in the face.

Yoga challenge: Day 1

Ok, so I've decided to do a small scale Bikram Yoga challenge. Normally the challenge is 60 yoga classes in 60 days. I....don't think I can pull that off, mostly due to time.  So I'm going to try for 7 days straight. That's a total of 10.5 hours of workouts in a week. Sure as hell beats the 90 minutes a week I usually do.

I'm not new to Bikram, but I've only been half assing it for a while. 3 or 4 times a month usually, 6 max.

Now, not only is this an exercise for my body, but also of my mind.  The reason I've never really committed myself to it was because of my high anxiety levels. It's a very small, hot, smelly, crowded room, and it sets off my panic attacks.

I've been trying to lessen the amount of Xanax that I take because I can tell that I'm building a tolerance, and I really don't like the idea of getting addicted to it, so I want to use the yoga to help with that.  From what I know of CBT, it's called 'Flooding' and I'm going to use this smelly, crowded room to help me get over a lot of my social fears.

Last night was my first night of the week. I made sure to prep myself properly. Drank loads of water during the day, and even drank some of that nasty coconut water before hand for the potassium. I also took my Xanax a good 2 hours before hand, so I knew it would have kicked in.

Something just clicked with it though, which is why I'm even bothering to write this all down. I didn't focus on going super deep into the poses. I've always done that, always tried to get to where everyone else in the room was at, and I would always end up stressed and some times even hurt myself.

I focused on my breath, had a literal 'Breath In, Breath Out' mantra going on in my head.  When it came to the poses, I only went to the point that I could keep my breath slow. If it got to the point that I would hold my breath, or my breathing would speed up, and would take it back down a notch.

Then, something awesome happened. I did better than I ever had before! Not only could I bend further backwards, I didn't get lightheaded. I could pull myself higher during Cobra. I even did the first half of Camel, which is something I usually sit out.

But what was really important was that I enjoyed myself. I did it without the mental anxiety that I normally get. I felt good. Even on the parts that hurt, I felt good. I felt strong. Hell, after class was over I even stayed in the room and did some extra sit-ups.

So I go again tonight. Very rarely gone two days in a row, so we'll see how it goes. I'm making sure to prep myself again today, and will report in tomorrow!

Weird Emotion

Today has been a weird and emotional day for me.  A friend of my husband family passed away very suddenly.  I had only met the man twice, yet I'm extremely sad and depressed about it. I feel so much for his wife, who I do know a little, but still is really nothing more than a friend of the family.

The reason I find it weird is I've always had a hard time relating to people who have had family members die. I've never been able to get emotionally worked up over someone who I don't really know dying.  I know how it feels to lose loved ones.  I had three of my grandparents die within a 10 month period. But when it was separated from me, I just didn't have anything there, other than the feeling of awkwardness of how to interact with this person who just told me something terrible.

I still remember, when I was younger, we were visiting my grandparents in Dallas when JFK's son died in the plane crash. I think it was '99, so I would have been 14. I remember how completely broken up my step-mother was about it. Over a person she had never even met before.  Since we we're in Dallas, we made our way to the site where JFK was shot, and there was a sort of vigil going on.

I just couldn't wrap my head around it.  He was just a guy. He wasn't part of our lives, he wasn't family, none of these people were good friends with him.  So why get so worked up?

I've never been able to understand it, and I know that means that I'm not exactly normal when it comes to my emotional state of being.

So what does that make of me?  Have I always been some heartless monster, who is only now realizing how I'm supposed to react to different situations? I know that I've always been a selfish individual, there's no doubt about that. Is it finally starting to crack? Am I finally starting to be more human?

Most people would be happy about something like that, but it scares me.  I don't know how to handle them.  When it was my own family I could grieve because I loved them and they were a big part of my life and I would miss them terribly. But that is not the case here.  This is someone who I only met twice, was married to someone I had only met maybe three or four time.  How can one person possibly handle emotions being thrown at you like this every time someone you met has passed.

Have I flipped the coin.  Am I on the opposite side now? Where before I felt nothing, now I feel everything.  That's not good either. While I'm sort of glad that I'm growing as a person, this isn't helping the anxiety at all. ((I'll make it a point to make a post about that eventually.))

So yeah, emotions are weird.  I don't like them.

So...yeah

Have you ever had a day were you had everything planned out, and it was going to be awesome, but then something shitty happens and ruins it.

That's been my whole life, but mostly this past week. It's just been an endless cycle of crap happening, and me getting super upset.  Then I take my meds and calm down and try to look on the bright side of things. Then giant Karma monster comes and craps all over my bright side.  Again, flip out a little, calm myself down, and go 'Well, I'll just move over here, away from mountain of crap and start something new and better!', only to have it torn down by Hurricane 'Aww hell no!'

So yeah, that's been my week.  My MIL is in the hospital.  I was supposed to have my entire family come spend Memorial Day weekend with me, and I was really looking forward to it because I miss everyone, but they canceled at THE LAST POSSIBLE SECOND!!! 

Lastly, I was really looking forward to try to get back into my yoga again, and it was going to work out PERFECT for the month of June. Like, I actually turned to my husband and said "This months work schedule is going to be PERFECT for me to start going back to yoga."  And what do I find out? That they changed the class schedule at the LAST POSSIBLE SECOND so that there is no longer a 5:30 class. So of course, I get upset and make a facebook post about it. 

But then I realize, hey, maybe my supervisor will be cool with me changing my schedule to a later shift, so that I could go to the later class. She said yes, and HEY!!  Everything is great again. Then I get a call from Pure saying that they'll just go ahead and cancel my membership, and blah blah blah, and you don't come all that often anyway, and I trying to explain the CHAOS that was happening without going into it too much. So then I just feel guilty.

I'm one of those people that can't make decisions well by myself.  I'm always worried I'll make the wrong one.  This is one of those times.  I could have pushed for a refund for my membership, or change my schedule to accommodate.  I choose to change my schedule.  Now they're refunding anyway, and I'm stuck with a schedule I don't really want to work. 

So now, I can either tell Pure that I'm sorry, and I'll just stick with my membership and go at the later times, or I can ask my supervisor to change my schedule back.  Either way, I have egg on my face now.  And I can't decide which is better, cause chances are it's gonna end up blowing up in my face YET AGAIN, because every decision I make is wrong.

I really wish I had brought my knitting with me today.  I need it. =(

Knitting, Magic: The Gathering, and Social Anxiety Part 1

So one of the things that has been causing a big problem in my life has been the increase in my social anxiety.  I've never exactly been one to go out and about on a daily basis. I've never understood the type of people who would to to a coffee shop just to sit and read a book or surf the web? Why be amongst all those people when you could be safe at home on your sofa? Never made any sense to me.

I did, however, had two social activities that I really enjoyed. I had my knitting night on Wednesdays, and Friday Night Magic at my favorite comic shop, Dragon Lair Comics. Eventually though, my anxiety got to the point that I couldn't even handle going to those, even though I was with people I knew and liked.

For those of you who don't know, Magic: The Gathering is a card game that's been around for almost forever, and it's going stronger now then I've ever seen it before. I started playing back when I was in junior high, then stopped after high school.  When we moved into our new house, I found some of my old decks, and taught my husband how to play, and that's how we got started with all that. It was something fun for us to do together, and it was nice.

We stopped playing when things started going downhill with us.  We had some problems, and even once we worked on those, the stress of going out and being in a small room with 50 other people (many of whom were of the thought that showering was optional) was just too much for me to deal with.

We tried going back again once Dragon's Lair moved to their new local. It huge and bright and had none of the stale smell of Monster spilt on the carpet. But still, it was too much for me.

The Dragons Maze pre-release event was the hardest to deal with.  It was HUGE.  There was easily 80 people there. It was loud, people were pushing against other people trying to get a good look at the singles the store had to sell.  My anxiety got to the point to where I wanted to throw my first match just so I could have enough time to go the liquor store before the 2nd one started. 

I'm so lucky to have had my husband there with me.  He rubbed my back, and hugged me, and sat with me rather than trading cards with the other guys. He really is a sweetheart. Unfortunately it just wasn't enough to calm me down.

I know that I should not be that stressed out in a room full of shy nerdy boys. Most of them don't even look at me twice, yet I still get that nagging feeling in the back of my head like they are judging me. This ended up being one of the deciding factors in going to get the help that I needed.

Knit through the pain.

So there hasn't exactly been a lot of progress on any of my WIP's.  The truth is that there are so many things, so much mental anxiety right now that focusing on any one thing it just too hard to do.

I know it seems weird to talk about these things in a knitting blog, but I can't think of a better way to get all of this out.

For years I've had to deal with some level of social anxiety. I've never been comfortable in a crowded room, and I'm so shy that I've never been good at making and maintaining good solid friendships.  I was lucky when I met my husband, because he has always had the same problems, and it just seemed to work for us.  We would stay at home, entertain each other with our goofy nature, and live a boring, but mostly happy life.

I was lucky enough to find a knitting group full of wonderful ladies that I got a long well with, and I was happy to finally have a group of friends I could hang out with on a weekly basis.

Things all changed about a year ago.  Things happened.  I was starting to because unhappy with everything.  I made a lot of really stupid decisions, all of which I very deeply regret now. The consequences of those actions will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I started to become withdrawn from the world.  I stopped going to knit night.  After a while I stopped knitting all together.  I just couldn't find joy in it any more.  I stopped going to play Friday Night Magic with my husband, because I just couldn't deal with being in a room with that many people. I would even call in sick from work as often as I could, just to avoid everyone and everything.  My house because I mess, I stopped doing anything with my dog, and spent most of my time just sitting/lying around the house staring off into nothingness.

I was empty inside. I was for a very very long time. Then things started to change, but not for the better.  I became easily agitated. Any time anything went wrong, I would flip out. I couldn't handle even the smallest problem in my way.  I couldn't make decisions. What to eat, what to wear, what to do with my time, these all because things that would overwhelm my brain to the point of meltdown.  I just couldn't do it anymore.

I tried all the homeopathic routes to help heal myself.  I trying yoga, which I really did enjoy, except for when I would have panic attacks in the middle of class, and you can't exactly walk out. I tried hiking, hoping that spending some time outdoors, with my husband and my dog would help.  It really didn't though.

Finally it got to the point to where the stress and depression caused physical pain. Sharp shooting pain going from my right shoulder to my hip. If I half bent over for any reason, the muscles would spasm so badly I'd be in tears, and would just have to hobble to the nearest chair and sit and cry until the massive amounts of Tylenol and Aleve would kick in enough for me to start moving again.

This was when the drinking started.  I hesitate to say that I had a problem with alcohol, but I was definitely self medicating. It worked, for a while. Then it didn't. That was when I finally decided to go see someone.

I had a very particular bad weekend, and I was in no way prepared to face work on Monday.  But with my work, if you call in on a Monday, you need a note from a doctor.  I figured that was the best time to get my back checked out. I saw a different doctor than my normal one, and I'm glad that I did.  It's almost like he could tell that something was wrong mentally, to the point that it was causing my physical pain. He urged me to make another appointment with him, so discuss those issues, and after much thought and fear, I did. 

I'm glad that I did.  He forced me to talk about things that were only in my brain, and I've never ever been able to discuss with another person before. And I'm finally on medication. I've only been on it for short time, but I can already tell the difference.  Now my next step is to find a therapist to start going to go through that.

The best thing about this new change in my life is that I finally have interest in my hobbies again.  I picked up a sweater that has been sitting there for several months. I'm hoping to bring out the spinning wheel this weekend, I have so much fiber from Kid 'n Ewe left to work on.

I'm hoping that I can use this blog as a way to work my way through all these emotions. I need an outlet, so of course, the internet is always the best place for that.

Can't sleep, the zombies will get me!

So my mind has been very manic lately.  Been having a hard time streamlining it down to one train of thought.  Luckily I have hobbies to help keep my mind busy.
Couldn't seem to sleep, so I've decided to warp another scarf.  I've been doing math ((SO. MUCH. MATH.)) to figure out how to make a decent size scarf with exactly 100g of sock yarn, with as little waste as possible. 
I have my dimensions for warping 50g (approx 230 yards), but I'm concerned that the 50g left for the weft won't be enough, and I'll have to cut and waste most of the warp. 

So to test my theories, I'm using some Serenity Sock I got in a yarn swap forever ago:

Messy, mid-rearrangement living room.

I know the lighting sucks. There is no sun.



I figured I'm not so emotionally attached to this yarn that if any of it goes to waste, it's not a big deal. How sad is it that I'm emotionally attached to some of my yarn?

5:30am: Just finishing warping, but I have to wait for the husband to wake up to help me wrap everything up. Maybe I should go get coffee?


A happy accident: The plaid is coming from the yarn, not a pattern.

8:30AM: Got everything threaded and a good chunk of weaving done. This is going to look nice.  Maybe I should try to take a nap now. 

A new gig.

So I've been absent from the knitting world for quite a while.  It comes from a whole butt load of different reasons. 

Work is getting stressful.  New management will do that. I'm in school now, trying to move on to something better.  I'm hoping I'll be on to something else by this time next year. 

I've started to try to take better care of myself.  I'm only 27, and I already feel like I'm falling apart.  So thanks to a friend, I've started going to Bikram Yoga classes.  Ever heard of it?  It's this crazy hard yoga in a room heated to 105*. It sounds crazy, but it helps.  Nice way to heal my knees and back to the point that I can start adding in some regular exercise again.

Mostly though, it's just because my hands have been hurting too much. It seems like I can only knit for an hour before I start getting cramps.  I think I may need to go see someone about this.  It's getting to the point that I can't even type as much, and that's a big issue as that's what I do all day.

So, while not giving it up all together, I've moved on the other hobbies that take up less time and are easier on me.  Weaving mostly.

OMG LOOK AT THE PRETTY THING I MADE:

Northern Lights Scarf

OMG the prettys!

I was so surprised how something so simple could come out so amazing looking.  I use half a ball of Berroco Comfort Sock I had left over from a hat, and a ball and a half of Mini Mochi, and just did a basic weave. Total work time was MAYBE 6 hours (it was spread out over 2 days) and it's at least 6' long.  It's take weeks to knit something like that.

Anyho, that's what's been going on with me lately.  I'll try to post more stuff.