Had another...

....crazy ass nightmare last night. This time, it was my whole family were all a trip, and we made a sort of caravan up some winding mountain road.  Both of my brothers (oldest and youngest, not my step-brothers) were riding in a green Jeep behind us.

Why do I so vividly remember a green Jeep, I don't know. No one I've known has ever owned a green Jeep, but it sticks out in my mind.

As we're riding, up, I notice in the side mirror that the Jeep my brothers are in going over the ledge of the cliff, and down to the river before.  No one else notices. I have to scream for my husband to stop the car. You can clearly see the Jeep in the river, and no one does anything. I try to climb down, but the cliff face is too steep. I try to slide, roll, whatever to get down to the river, and get my brothers out. (I know this seems like some huge feat, but really, the vehicle wasn't even completely submerged. Like maybe chest high water?

After they get out, I go back for a bag, because there is something really important in that bag. I don't know what it is, but is was more important than anything. Also, during this time, the rest of my family is still at the top of the cliff watching us.


I'm one of those kinds of people that are half way between 'Your dreams are just jumbles mess your subconscious slaps together' and 'EVERYTHING in your dream has a meaning, read this book about dreams!!!!!'

I know there is a meaning here.  I know I've been thinking a lot about my brothers lately. Regardless of what everyone else says, my two brothers and I really are kinda outsiders to the family.  When we get together 'as a family', it's my step-mothers family, not ours. All three of us have a really bad relationship with our mothers, and we are all starting to admit to ourselves that we are having issues and are trying to fix them.

Anyway, it's early, need coffee, but I had to get this down first.

Of Nightmares and Men

Don't know why I choose that title, but I like it, so =P

So we all know that one of the best and easiest things for good mental (really overall) health is sleep.
But what about when that sleep isn't good? 

I need sleep a lot. I'm one of those that 8 hours really isn't enough, so I usually cut my day short and get to bed pretty damn early.

Lately, the past couple of months, I've been having an insane amount of nightmares.  Like maybe 3 or 4 a week. I've always had them, but they are getting worse.

I know that they're linked to my anxiety, but it doesn't matter what I take before bed to calm me down, I still have them.

So I have this almost endless cycle of having a really bad nightmare (or several small ones) that results in me have very little restful sleep. So I wake up groggy and already on edge. Those seem to be the days that I have my major meltdowns. 

Like this morning.

So I missed Yoga yesterday. It was a bad day, and I just wasn't mentally prepared for it. But, I had today off, with it being the 4th and all, so I was going to get a good nights sleep, and head to the 10 am class.

It didn't work out that way. I had so many nightmares last night, I may have even been better off skipping the sleep all together. I don't remember a lot of details about the dreams, but I do remember being chased, which is top on my list of recurring nightmares. I think I woke up about 5 or 6 times in the night from different dreams.

So when I got up this morning, I was already worn down.  I was more mentally exhausted than I was before I went to bed last night, and I only finally fell asleep because my panics had worn me down to that point.

So I guess it comes to no surprise that I just couldn't do anything. I sat here in front of the computer, trying to just veg out until it was time to get ready, and it just hit me. An overwhelming sense of dread and despair.

Lots of really bad stuff went through my head, I yelled and screamed a lot, and it all ended with me taking a 4 hour nap, which means I missed the last Yoga class of the day, so yeah, I lost the challenge.

Sorry if you were hoping for something motivating. Didn't happen today.

Yoga Challenge: Day 3

So Day 3 didn't happen at all.

I lost out to my anxiety, again. It wasn't even really about the class. Well, maybe a little, but more just me being upset and pissed at life.

So how does it work? How can you have something that just really pisses you off, and then just let it go and not effect the rest of your day?  It seems I've never learned that concept.

So something set me off today, and I went onto a rant forum on Ravelry to, well, rant about it. It's supposed to be a place to let off steam.  But of course, there is always that one person that has to point out something that just pisses you off even more.

I don't know why I get so upset over such little things. Maybe I was never taught to let go as a child? Maybe I picked up the habit of holding a grudge from my mother, who, by the way, I still hold a huge grudge against?

Any way, I was way to worked up and exhausted to make the trip out to the yoga studio, so I decided to just come home and weep in shame. 

I am going tomorrow though, since I have a day off.  I'll get to sleep in, which is nice, because I've been cutting my sleeping hours down by way too much lately. I think I got maybe 5 hours last night? That may explain why I was so cranky all day.

It could also have something to do with the fact that I chose to do this on a week that I'm working 10 hour days in order to earn some comp time. I'm thinking now that that may have been a bad idea on my part.

Oh well. There is always tomorrow!

Yoga Challenge: Day 2

Yeah, so Day 2 did not go so well.

Yesterday was the first day at the new location. That on top of the fact that they just had a really good Groupon means that the place was packed. I mean, I was jealous of the room sardines get.

So I always show up early to class, to make sure I get a good spot, and I'll admit, it's usually by a door so that if they decide to crack them, I'm right there for the fresh air. That's half because of the heat, half because of the smell.

So I picked a spot close the the wall with the door, but these doors are different. There's a giant window wall that shows out to the parking lot, and I didn't want people outside to watch me, and didn't want the setting sun in my eyes, so I picked right by a pillar.  Wasn't a smart move on my part, but I'll get to that later.

I laid down and closed my eyes like I normally do, trying to get my zen on before class, so I was shocked to see when I stood up that there was easily 50 to 60 people in this class. My heart jumped. I thought I was lucky at the time to have at least one wall next to me, because I had someone in front, behind, and to my right all withing 'personal' space range. Like maybe a foot or two away from me.

I am not one that likes being very close to people, and we all know how I really can't stand being in large crowds, so even though I remembered to take my Xanax an hour before class, I started to panic.

I had to move around during Pranayama breathing because I was bumping my elbow against the guy next to me and the wall beside me. With Half Moon pose, I couldn't bend to my left, because I had a wall 6'' to my left.

By the time we got to Awkward Pose, my heart was racing, but not because of the heat. I was scared. I just couldn't do it any more.  For the first time in the 6 months I've been doing Bikram Yoga, I left the room. I just couldn't take it.  Of course, the teacher at the desk was worried I was dehydrated, having heat stroke, or just over worked, so it took some time to explain to her that I was having a panic attack. First day at the new location and I end up hyperventilating and crying in the lobby. Greeeaaat.

After about 10-15 minutes I was finally able to calm myself down and went back into the class. They were just starting Standing Bow, which I've always enjoyed, so I tried to get into it, but wasn't warmed up enough so I twinged my back. I took it down a notch was able to do much better.

Problems arose again during the Standing Separate Leg Stretching. The dude to my right went to the back of his mat, which meant I had to be in the front. But, the dude straight in front of me was also at the back. Which meant if I had bent down in a swan dive motion like I'm supposed to, I would have ended up with my face in his balls.  Not something I ever really want to do.

I had to skip out on Triangle pose all together, again because there just wasn't enough room. Savasana was even worse, because I had some dudes feet next to my face, and EVERY time he flexed his foot I got smacked in the face with it. Didn't help that the guy had yellow toenails. I was also very self conscious of the fact that my feet were in someone else's face. The lady behind me was so close that our mats were literally touching, and she didn't even shift to the side, she was directly behind me. So I had to lay at an angle, off my mat, just so I wouldn't kick her. That of course messed with my OCD because I was crooked on the mat, so more mental crap there.

((My OCD is very minor, and mostly has to do with things being even and centered.  When I meditate, if I'm not smack in the middle of the mat or bed, I can't focus. If a bra strap is lower than the other, I can't focus until it's fixed. If a chair is leaning to one side, I can't focus until it's fixed. So yeah, laying at an angle with my head and feet off the mat really set off my OCD))

By this time, I was just so fed up with the class that I hardly even tried in the floor series. Even the Savasana's were hard, because if I had my head to the right, dudes feet, head to the left, bright ass sun set in my eyes. Felt like I needed sunglasses.

So all in all, not enjoyable, BUT!!! I'm still going again tonight. I know, I'm crazy, right? I'm just going to make sure I'm there early enough to get a spot in the front of the class, right up against the mirrors. The idea of being in the front does make me a little self conscious, but I think I could deal with that better than stinky feet hitting me in the face.

Yoga challenge: Day 1

Ok, so I've decided to do a small scale Bikram Yoga challenge. Normally the challenge is 60 yoga classes in 60 days. I....don't think I can pull that off, mostly due to time.  So I'm going to try for 7 days straight. That's a total of 10.5 hours of workouts in a week. Sure as hell beats the 90 minutes a week I usually do.

I'm not new to Bikram, but I've only been half assing it for a while. 3 or 4 times a month usually, 6 max.

Now, not only is this an exercise for my body, but also of my mind.  The reason I've never really committed myself to it was because of my high anxiety levels. It's a very small, hot, smelly, crowded room, and it sets off my panic attacks.

I've been trying to lessen the amount of Xanax that I take because I can tell that I'm building a tolerance, and I really don't like the idea of getting addicted to it, so I want to use the yoga to help with that.  From what I know of CBT, it's called 'Flooding' and I'm going to use this smelly, crowded room to help me get over a lot of my social fears.

Last night was my first night of the week. I made sure to prep myself properly. Drank loads of water during the day, and even drank some of that nasty coconut water before hand for the potassium. I also took my Xanax a good 2 hours before hand, so I knew it would have kicked in.

Something just clicked with it though, which is why I'm even bothering to write this all down. I didn't focus on going super deep into the poses. I've always done that, always tried to get to where everyone else in the room was at, and I would always end up stressed and some times even hurt myself.

I focused on my breath, had a literal 'Breath In, Breath Out' mantra going on in my head.  When it came to the poses, I only went to the point that I could keep my breath slow. If it got to the point that I would hold my breath, or my breathing would speed up, and would take it back down a notch.

Then, something awesome happened. I did better than I ever had before! Not only could I bend further backwards, I didn't get lightheaded. I could pull myself higher during Cobra. I even did the first half of Camel, which is something I usually sit out.

But what was really important was that I enjoyed myself. I did it without the mental anxiety that I normally get. I felt good. Even on the parts that hurt, I felt good. I felt strong. Hell, after class was over I even stayed in the room and did some extra sit-ups.

So I go again tonight. Very rarely gone two days in a row, so we'll see how it goes. I'm making sure to prep myself again today, and will report in tomorrow!