So...yeah

Have you ever had a day were you had everything planned out, and it was going to be awesome, but then something shitty happens and ruins it.

That's been my whole life, but mostly this past week. It's just been an endless cycle of crap happening, and me getting super upset.  Then I take my meds and calm down and try to look on the bright side of things. Then giant Karma monster comes and craps all over my bright side.  Again, flip out a little, calm myself down, and go 'Well, I'll just move over here, away from mountain of crap and start something new and better!', only to have it torn down by Hurricane 'Aww hell no!'

So yeah, that's been my week.  My MIL is in the hospital.  I was supposed to have my entire family come spend Memorial Day weekend with me, and I was really looking forward to it because I miss everyone, but they canceled at THE LAST POSSIBLE SECOND!!! 

Lastly, I was really looking forward to try to get back into my yoga again, and it was going to work out PERFECT for the month of June. Like, I actually turned to my husband and said "This months work schedule is going to be PERFECT for me to start going back to yoga."  And what do I find out? That they changed the class schedule at the LAST POSSIBLE SECOND so that there is no longer a 5:30 class. So of course, I get upset and make a facebook post about it. 

But then I realize, hey, maybe my supervisor will be cool with me changing my schedule to a later shift, so that I could go to the later class. She said yes, and HEY!!  Everything is great again. Then I get a call from Pure saying that they'll just go ahead and cancel my membership, and blah blah blah, and you don't come all that often anyway, and I trying to explain the CHAOS that was happening without going into it too much. So then I just feel guilty.

I'm one of those people that can't make decisions well by myself.  I'm always worried I'll make the wrong one.  This is one of those times.  I could have pushed for a refund for my membership, or change my schedule to accommodate.  I choose to change my schedule.  Now they're refunding anyway, and I'm stuck with a schedule I don't really want to work. 

So now, I can either tell Pure that I'm sorry, and I'll just stick with my membership and go at the later times, or I can ask my supervisor to change my schedule back.  Either way, I have egg on my face now.  And I can't decide which is better, cause chances are it's gonna end up blowing up in my face YET AGAIN, because every decision I make is wrong.

I really wish I had brought my knitting with me today.  I need it. =(

Knitting, Magic: The Gathering, and Social Anxiety Part 1

So one of the things that has been causing a big problem in my life has been the increase in my social anxiety.  I've never exactly been one to go out and about on a daily basis. I've never understood the type of people who would to to a coffee shop just to sit and read a book or surf the web? Why be amongst all those people when you could be safe at home on your sofa? Never made any sense to me.

I did, however, had two social activities that I really enjoyed. I had my knitting night on Wednesdays, and Friday Night Magic at my favorite comic shop, Dragon Lair Comics. Eventually though, my anxiety got to the point that I couldn't even handle going to those, even though I was with people I knew and liked.

For those of you who don't know, Magic: The Gathering is a card game that's been around for almost forever, and it's going stronger now then I've ever seen it before. I started playing back when I was in junior high, then stopped after high school.  When we moved into our new house, I found some of my old decks, and taught my husband how to play, and that's how we got started with all that. It was something fun for us to do together, and it was nice.

We stopped playing when things started going downhill with us.  We had some problems, and even once we worked on those, the stress of going out and being in a small room with 50 other people (many of whom were of the thought that showering was optional) was just too much for me to deal with.

We tried going back again once Dragon's Lair moved to their new local. It huge and bright and had none of the stale smell of Monster spilt on the carpet. But still, it was too much for me.

The Dragons Maze pre-release event was the hardest to deal with.  It was HUGE.  There was easily 80 people there. It was loud, people were pushing against other people trying to get a good look at the singles the store had to sell.  My anxiety got to the point to where I wanted to throw my first match just so I could have enough time to go the liquor store before the 2nd one started. 

I'm so lucky to have had my husband there with me.  He rubbed my back, and hugged me, and sat with me rather than trading cards with the other guys. He really is a sweetheart. Unfortunately it just wasn't enough to calm me down.

I know that I should not be that stressed out in a room full of shy nerdy boys. Most of them don't even look at me twice, yet I still get that nagging feeling in the back of my head like they are judging me. This ended up being one of the deciding factors in going to get the help that I needed.

Knit through the pain.

So there hasn't exactly been a lot of progress on any of my WIP's.  The truth is that there are so many things, so much mental anxiety right now that focusing on any one thing it just too hard to do.

I know it seems weird to talk about these things in a knitting blog, but I can't think of a better way to get all of this out.

For years I've had to deal with some level of social anxiety. I've never been comfortable in a crowded room, and I'm so shy that I've never been good at making and maintaining good solid friendships.  I was lucky when I met my husband, because he has always had the same problems, and it just seemed to work for us.  We would stay at home, entertain each other with our goofy nature, and live a boring, but mostly happy life.

I was lucky enough to find a knitting group full of wonderful ladies that I got a long well with, and I was happy to finally have a group of friends I could hang out with on a weekly basis.

Things all changed about a year ago.  Things happened.  I was starting to because unhappy with everything.  I made a lot of really stupid decisions, all of which I very deeply regret now. The consequences of those actions will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I started to become withdrawn from the world.  I stopped going to knit night.  After a while I stopped knitting all together.  I just couldn't find joy in it any more.  I stopped going to play Friday Night Magic with my husband, because I just couldn't deal with being in a room with that many people. I would even call in sick from work as often as I could, just to avoid everyone and everything.  My house because I mess, I stopped doing anything with my dog, and spent most of my time just sitting/lying around the house staring off into nothingness.

I was empty inside. I was for a very very long time. Then things started to change, but not for the better.  I became easily agitated. Any time anything went wrong, I would flip out. I couldn't handle even the smallest problem in my way.  I couldn't make decisions. What to eat, what to wear, what to do with my time, these all because things that would overwhelm my brain to the point of meltdown.  I just couldn't do it anymore.

I tried all the homeopathic routes to help heal myself.  I trying yoga, which I really did enjoy, except for when I would have panic attacks in the middle of class, and you can't exactly walk out. I tried hiking, hoping that spending some time outdoors, with my husband and my dog would help.  It really didn't though.

Finally it got to the point to where the stress and depression caused physical pain. Sharp shooting pain going from my right shoulder to my hip. If I half bent over for any reason, the muscles would spasm so badly I'd be in tears, and would just have to hobble to the nearest chair and sit and cry until the massive amounts of Tylenol and Aleve would kick in enough for me to start moving again.

This was when the drinking started.  I hesitate to say that I had a problem with alcohol, but I was definitely self medicating. It worked, for a while. Then it didn't. That was when I finally decided to go see someone.

I had a very particular bad weekend, and I was in no way prepared to face work on Monday.  But with my work, if you call in on a Monday, you need a note from a doctor.  I figured that was the best time to get my back checked out. I saw a different doctor than my normal one, and I'm glad that I did.  It's almost like he could tell that something was wrong mentally, to the point that it was causing my physical pain. He urged me to make another appointment with him, so discuss those issues, and after much thought and fear, I did. 

I'm glad that I did.  He forced me to talk about things that were only in my brain, and I've never ever been able to discuss with another person before. And I'm finally on medication. I've only been on it for short time, but I can already tell the difference.  Now my next step is to find a therapist to start going to go through that.

The best thing about this new change in my life is that I finally have interest in my hobbies again.  I picked up a sweater that has been sitting there for several months. I'm hoping to bring out the spinning wheel this weekend, I have so much fiber from Kid 'n Ewe left to work on.

I'm hoping that I can use this blog as a way to work my way through all these emotions. I need an outlet, so of course, the internet is always the best place for that.