So there hasn't exactly been a lot of progress on any of my WIP's. The truth is that there are so many things, so much mental anxiety right now that focusing on any one thing it just too hard to do.
I know it seems weird to talk about these things in a knitting blog, but I can't think of a better way to get all of this out.
For years I've had to deal with some level of social anxiety. I've never been comfortable in a crowded room, and I'm so shy that I've never been good at making and maintaining good solid friendships. I was lucky when I met my husband, because he has always had the same problems, and it just seemed to work for us. We would stay at home, entertain each other with our goofy nature, and live a boring, but mostly happy life.
I was lucky enough to find a knitting group full of wonderful ladies that I got a long well with, and I was happy to finally have a group of friends I could hang out with on a weekly basis.
Things all changed about a year ago. Things happened. I was starting to because unhappy with everything. I made a lot of really stupid decisions, all of which I very deeply regret now. The consequences of those actions will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I started to become withdrawn from the world. I stopped going to knit night. After a while I stopped knitting all together. I just couldn't find joy in it any more. I stopped going to play Friday Night Magic with my husband, because I just couldn't deal with being in a room with that many people. I would even call in sick from work as often as I could, just to avoid everyone and everything. My house because I mess, I stopped doing anything with my dog, and spent most of my time just sitting/lying around the house staring off into nothingness.
I was empty inside. I was for a very very long time. Then things started to change, but not for the better. I became easily agitated. Any time anything went wrong, I would flip out. I couldn't handle even the smallest problem in my way. I couldn't make decisions. What to eat, what to wear, what to do with my time, these all because things that would overwhelm my brain to the point of meltdown. I just couldn't do it anymore.
I tried all the homeopathic routes to help heal myself. I trying yoga, which I really did enjoy, except for when I would have panic attacks in the middle of class, and you can't exactly walk out. I tried hiking, hoping that spending some time outdoors, with my husband and my dog would help. It really didn't though.
Finally it got to the point to where the stress and depression caused physical pain. Sharp shooting pain going from my right shoulder to my hip. If I half bent over for any reason, the muscles would spasm so badly I'd be in tears, and would just have to hobble to the nearest chair and sit and cry until the massive amounts of Tylenol and Aleve would kick in enough for me to start moving again.
This was when the drinking started. I hesitate to say that I had a problem with alcohol, but I was definitely self medicating. It worked, for a while. Then it didn't. That was when I finally decided to go see someone.
I had a very particular bad weekend, and I was in no way prepared to face work on Monday. But with my work, if you call in on a Monday, you need a note from a doctor. I figured that was the best time to get my back checked out. I saw a different doctor than my normal one, and I'm glad that I did. It's almost like he could tell that something was wrong mentally, to the point that it was causing my physical pain. He urged me to make another appointment with him, so discuss those issues, and after much thought and fear, I did.
I'm glad that I did. He forced me to talk about things that were only in my brain, and I've never ever been able to discuss with another person before. And I'm finally on medication. I've only been on it for short time, but I can already tell the difference. Now my next step is to find a therapist to start going to go through that.
The best thing about this new change in my life is that I finally have interest in my hobbies again. I picked up a sweater that has been sitting there for several months. I'm hoping to bring out the spinning wheel this weekend, I have so much fiber from Kid 'n Ewe left to work on.
I'm hoping that I can use this blog as a way to work my way through all these emotions. I need an outlet, so of course, the internet is always the best place for that.
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