Reviews day Tuesday Leviathan Wakes

So I've been thinking about ways to create more content, and I figured bringing back Reviews day Tuesday.

This week I'd like to talk about Leviathan Wakes. I first read this years ago, it was on display at the local library, and I'm so glad that I checked it out. I recently picked it back up again seeing as SyFy started creating a TV show based off of it.

So this book is based on the near future. Humans have colonized the solar system, but have hit a road block leaving it. You can travel to the moons of Jupiter if you'd like, but it's going to take a few months to get there. 

It's a true sea voyage among the stars. 

The main characters, Holden and Miller, couldn't be more different from each other. Holden is an XO on an ice hauler traveling from Saturn, Miller a contract security officer on the asteroid Ceres. I wouldn't call Miller a dirty cop, he's far from it, but he does 

Holden is honest to a fault, which causes problems for the local governments. He's the type of person that thinks that taking the moral high ground is always the best solution. It's very interesting to watch him realize how his actions have consequences.

My favorite thing about this book is just how realistic it is. This is how things will be in the not so distant future. How gravity effects the human race, how the space politics work. James S. A. Corey does an excellent job of properly describing and breaking everything down without it feeling like he has to hold our hands through it. That's always been a pet peeve of mine. I love authors that realize and expect their readers to be smart enough to pick up on things quickly.

Well, that's my review of Leviathan Wakes, by James. S. A. Corey. If there's any other books that any of you might like for me to review, leave a suggestion in the comments below. It'd be fun. =D

Rants and Musings

So I made a small post on my tumblr about something that really bothers me, and I wanted to go into it more here.

My biggest 'pet peeve' is people who refuse to take responsibility for their actions and how it effects them.

This is something I've gone over with my therapist before, and I feel like it's a good idea to fully put it down.

I just can not honestly understand how someone could go through life and think that every single thing that happens to them is someone elses fault. I mean, some things, yes, but everything? Every single bad thing that has happened to you has been because of someone else? I know someone that is constantly getting evicted from their rentals, and every single time it's because 'the landlords an asshole'. Well yeah, he's probably pretty pissed at you for not paying your rent.

I mean, if you've been fired from 6 jobs within as many months, how can you not, at some point, think that maybe you're just a shitty employee?

I know where my strong feelings about this comes from. This is what my mother does. To the T. This is also one of the reasons I don't speak to my mother any more.

Story time. 

When I was thirteen, my mother took my younger brother and I and moved us a thousand miles away to live in Vermont. As if that wasn't bad enough by itself, it was to go and live with someone she met on the internet. My dad was absolutely heart broken about his, but he figured that children belong with their mother and didn't fight it. That is seriously a concept that just needs to die.

So she moves us up there in November. We went from 90*F to a foot of snow on the ground in less than a day. It was shocking to say the least.

Anyway, we moved in with this man, that we had never met before, and who my mother had only spoken with via internet and phone. So things were pretty tense to say the least.

We lived in this tiny 2 bedroom basement apartment out in a very remote area. The school I went to was the absolute worse place I have ever been to. I'd been bullied all my life, but these kids were just down right vicious.

This was my first time dealing with depression. It was so bad that I wouldn't even change my clothes. I would just come home, go straight to bed, and wake up and change my shirt before going to school. There were ink stains on the sheets because I didn't even bother to take the pens out of my pocket. It was that damn bad.

So of course, I wasn't exactly a ray of sunshine. Things were bad for my 8 year old brother as well.

After being there for 4 months, my mother and this man broke up. Not exactly a big surprise there. I mean, this whole thing was destined to fail, you could see it from a mile away.

So then he kicks up out. Straight up tells us to pack our shit and be out before he gets back from work.

We did that, and moved into a hotel until we could get tickets for a flight back to Texas. While we're sitting at the airport waiting for our flight, my mother than tells us that we would be taking the flight to Texas on our own, because she was taking a different flight to California to live with her dad.

Now here's the point of this story. She goes on a huge tangent about how we wouldn't have to be doing all this if we'd just behaved ourselves. It was OUR fault, mine and my brothers, that her relationship failed. Because we, being brother and sister, cooped up in a tiny apartment and had to share a room for the first time in our lives, fought too much. We did what every freaking brother and sister has done for all of time.

It wasn't because their relationship just didn't work out, it wasn't because (as I found out later) he had FUCKING AIDS!, it wasn't because THEY fought all the time, it was because WE fought all the time. WE were the ones to blame. WE were the ones that did wrong.

This is the first time (that I can remember) of many that my mother did this to me.

I could probably write a book on all the shit she's done to me, and maybe I should, to be honest, but this is with out a doubt why I have this very intense hatred of people who act like this.

It is also probably the reason for my intense anxiety that I have. I've gone full reverse from what my mother does. Rather than blame everyone else for my mistakes and problems, I feel like I'm responsible for everything that goes wrong, even if I'm not.

Only recently, with the help of the (finally) perfect cocktail of drugs and therapy have I been able to stop thinking like that. That I stop blaming myself things that are out of my control.

The unfortunate thing is that I have to deal with this a lot in my job. I work in driver licensing, what many states call a DMV. I have to speak to people that have their license suspended out the wazoo because of stuff they did, usually drunk driving.

Do they feel responsible for it? No, It's the officers fault for giving them the ticket. It's the states fault for having there be fines attached to DWI's. It's my fault for not just making it go away for them. Don't I know they have stuff to do? That they need the license to get on a plane tomorrow? That work is going to fire them if they don't get it taken care of TODAY?

I have been told, so many times, that I have ruined that persons life. I have been called the 'rudest person in all of Texas'. I have been called a 'cold hearted bitch'. I have been called so many different things, from so many different people, all because they don't want to except the consequences of their actions.

So I guess, it all being wrapped together, this would be why I can't stand it.

Trying to deal.

It's hard to describe what exactly I've been feeling these past weeks. I've been cycling through my highs and lows and an incredible rate, and things have been all around shitty.

I think the hardest thing for me right now is that I have all these ideas in my head. They keep coming and going and it makes it really hard to focus on day to day life. I've actually missed a fair amount of work because of it.

The problem with these ideas is that I have no way to follow through. I want to make this and do that, but in reality I'm just not as creative as all that.

Even this blog is kind of a shout out into the void, hoping that something will come to me.

The simple fact is that I just don't have a lot to talk about. Literally, the only thing going on in my life right now is my mental and emotional state, and that really isn't all that easy to write about, and I'm sure it's pretty boring to everyone else.

Part of me feels like I should try to improve my life, cause then I can improve everything else. Part of me just wants to give up on it all.

I guess that's why it's called bi polar disorder.

Maybe one day I'll get there. More than likely I won't. I know that I need to try though. So I will. I hope that someone out there would be willing to help me though all this ranting and raving.

Knitting Therapy

So, for the past couple of months, there have been a lot of articles about using knitting as a form of therapy. I'm really glad that this is getting the notice that it deserves.

There are all sorts of different theories about why this is and how exactly it's helping your brain, and I think it's worth a look into all of them.

Some say it's the repetitive motion that helps soothe the brain. Much like sitting in a rocking chair would. While I think that might have some merit, I don't think that by itself could be it. I mean, how many assembly line workers think that their job is peaceful? The same motion, over and over again, at some point will get boring. That's why we knitters have so many projects going at once. (Example: side bar to right of all the projects I have going on right now.) I, personally, don't find boring to be very soothing. Something simple like a garter stitch scarf can be nice, even meditative for a while, but then it just starts to drag, and then you don't want to work on it any more, so you start something else, then you go back and look at that scarf and just start to feel the guilt of never having finished it.

So for that theory, I say yes for the short term, but over time, not so much. A knitter needs some sort of mental challenge. Throw some cables or lace in there!

This gets me to why I think knitting really helps in terms of dealing with anxiety, and even depression. It's the having to focus on something other than what is going through your mind that is causing those feelings. A simple knit stitch isn't going to cut it! Once you've been knitting for a while, you can do them without even looking down. That lets your mind wonder back into those thoughts. I've had times that I've been working on my Featherweight sweater, which is just a mind numbing amount of stockinette stitch, and the thoughts just start rolling in.

I know that the main cause of my depression and anxiety is me, myself and I. It's my brain going off on tangents thinking about things I've screwed up in the past, or things I could possibly screw up in the future. These are the times I need to take myself away from my brain. I need to focus on something else. I do tend to spend a lot of that time playing MMORPG's, but while that does help, again, not for the long term.

When I take that energy that I use to hurt myself, and focus it into this thing that will be a beautiful thing that I can have forever, that is where the peace comes from. No guilt over wasted time or effort, just a thing to look at and say 'I made this!'.

Just my two cents on the matter. If' you have any other thoughts on the matter, I'd love to hear them!

Ladies Craft Night.

So my lady friends and I got together for a late night craft party the other night. We got together to make tiny hats. There was plenty of wine and laughs to be found. 

Bonus: My hat was freaking baller. I mean look at this

 

 That's some Mad Hatter shit right there. 

 

My friend Heather made an adorable EXTRA tiny hat. 

Heather was the only one who remembered to buy hair clips, so she's the only one actually wearing hers. I didn't get any pictures of my friend Steph because by the time she got done with her hat we were all way to drunk to remember to do that. 

Spending the evening with them made me realize several things. One, these ladies are very much my best friends right now in my life. Which is a little weird because they're both coworkers. Secondly, they are the first friends that I've actually realized that they really like me as a person, rather than someone who just was being nice to me because they felt sorry for me. 

I've had that a lot in my life. That happened a lot in my childhood. Once, when I lived in Vermont, I had a girl who would be nice to me, but then she told me (via in a note in a Junior Mint box filled with rocks) that she never really liked me, and for me to stop talking to her because everyone else was making fun of her about it. 

That one hurt. It hurt a lot. I was at a very low point in my life then. My mom and dad had just split up, my mom moved my younger brother and I from Texas to Vermont in the middle of winter. No one there liked me, and they were all very very rude. I still remember how those little shits talked to the teachers up there. That shit would NOT have happened where I was from. You just didn't do things like that. All and all, it was the worst 3 months of my entire life, and I will never get over it.

That may have been the big one, but other things like that have happened over time. I think that scarred me quite a bit. I've always had that feeling, that people aren't saying nice things because they mean them, they say them because their nice, and that's how we are here. 

In Vermont, people just didn't care about your feelings, which is why no one was nice to me. Here in Texas, most people are raised to have manners and to be polite to others, so the thought of just coming out and saying horrible things to people (whether I think them or not) is really foreign to me. 

Anyway, getting back on topic. I don't get that feeling from these ladies.  Heather out-and-out said to me that if she didn't like me, she would not be hanging out with me. She would not have invited me to her house. That made me believe her. No one has ever put it to me like that.

So yeah, pretty much the point I'm trying to get across here, is that if anyone is reading this, and you have the same fears of rejections, come out and ask them. Think of them and how they are. Are they the type of people that would ever do that? If you know these people who are genuinely good people, do you really think that they would invite them into their life all while thinking venomous thoughts about you?

My therapist said that kind of thinking is to protect yourself. I would think that about everyone in my life (my husband included, who honestly could have left me years ago and not have felt any shame in doing so) was only trying to be nice to me because when they came out and said it, it wouldn't hurt as much. 

This is one of the big things I need to work on. 

 

Word have meaning.

So the other day, I wrote in my journal something that I should say to myself, kind of as a mantra:

Never be ashamed of the things that give you joy.

I thought it made sense, and would be a good thing. It wasn't until I was thinking about it today that I realized there was something wrong with it. That word, ashamed. That's not a good word. That's not a motivating word. 

That statement is me trying to be defensive against some mysterious force. That is me having to defend myself again what others might think about me. To protect myself from something that it's really there, or at least something that I shouldn't really need to protect myself from. 

That is the opposite of getting rid of the anxiety. I think that feeling on needing to protect myself like that is exactly whats CAUSING my anxiety. 

I thought at first that maybe saying "I'm proud of the things", but that's still from the same thread of thinking. The need to prove to someone that what they think of me doesn't matter, but then, the fact that I have to prove it means that it really does matter to me.

So maybe something different. Maybe something that I tell myself to REMIND myself, rather than having to DEFEND myself. So I came up with this:

Love the things that give you joy. 

I know it's not exactly the newest line of thinking. It's that little change that makes all the difference, It's that little bit that makes me have to remember to give myself joy, rather than protecting that joy from some perceived threat that's not even really there. 

Working on things.

It's been a busy couple of weeks. There's been stuff at work going on and I'm been having some in-law issues, so trying to find the time to sit down and really think on how to change my life gets kind of pushed back. It seems silly to think that just sitting here typing out my thoughts would make a difference, but it really does.

So I had another visit with my therapist yesterday, and she sort of got onto me for not doing my 'homework'. The biggest thing was that I really need to go somewhere that's (at least slightly) crowded, and sit down, and be okay being there by myself.

I got some points for going to a 4th of July party where I only knew two people, but when I mentioned that I kinda stuck by their sides the whole time, she said that I need to try it without a crutch.

She suggested a coffee shop would be the best place. I've always kind of wanted to be one of those people, though I don't exactly know why. Maybe because that's what I perceive as normal? Anyway, that would be an ideal place because there would be people, but they're all kinda focused on their own thing, and if I needed to make a quick exit, I could without any problems.

I kind of always feel weird is these kind of situations. My main coping mechanism is knitting, but I still always feel weird knitting in public because it's different than what other people do, and might attract attention.

I spoke about this with her, and she brought up a very good point. I live in Austin. Knitting is not exactly the weirdest thing anyone's ever seen. I mean everyone is almost immune to the weird.

Example: At my work, we see a lot of people who have just moved here from other states. We've had a bunch of people comment on it, particularly about the dude that rides his bike wearing nothing but a G-string. My first response? 'Oh yeah, him. He rides around here a lot'.

If someone can ride around being as close to naked as you can get, why do I think that people would judge me for sitting in a coffee shop knitting. So yeah, that thought helped. So now all I need to do is actually go and do that. Maybe I'll post pictures.

Back and trying again

So, I'm gonna give a run down of what's been happening for the last year that I've been gone.

Things got a little better, then they got much much worse. The doctor that I was getting my medications for my anxiety turned out to be a total nut case. She was so flaky that it just caused more anxiety to try to get in touch with her and get her to keep a appointment. When ever she did, it was just several hours of her spouting nonsense and basically put me off from going back.

So things spiraled, my work suffered, until I had a really really bad week and forced me to find a new doctor. This guy is good. He spent most of the time actually listening to what was going on, going over family history, even had me do blood work to make sure it wasn't something with my thyroid or anything else. After going over all that, he said that he thought that I was being treated for the wrong thing, and that Xanax was not what I needed. So I'm now on mood stabilizers for type 2 bipolar disorder.

So that being said, I've been on Lamotrigine for about 3 months now, and I can tell that it's helping. I still get a little crazy every now and then, I still get those insane needs to do all the things that make me feel guilty later, but I can now understand them for what they are and keep myself under control.

I started seeing an actual therapist who I really like. She really supports the idea of using my crafts to help me deal with my anxiety attacks, and that it would be better than having to rely on medication. So I just have to remember that when I knit or spin, that is what I focus on and try to stop my thoughts from going to other places. I've found that once I get the thoughts out of my head, even for a few minutes, I'm able to deal with the situation much better.

She suggested that I keep a journal, which I'm doing for the very personal stuff, but I think starting up the blog again will help too. I think it's good for me to try to reach out to people who are dealing with the same thing I am, with out the social anxiety of going to group therapy.

TL;DR, back to blogging about how my crafts are helping me cope with my anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder.

Had another...

....crazy ass nightmare last night. This time, it was my whole family were all a trip, and we made a sort of caravan up some winding mountain road.  Both of my brothers (oldest and youngest, not my step-brothers) were riding in a green Jeep behind us.

Why do I so vividly remember a green Jeep, I don't know. No one I've known has ever owned a green Jeep, but it sticks out in my mind.

As we're riding, up, I notice in the side mirror that the Jeep my brothers are in going over the ledge of the cliff, and down to the river before.  No one else notices. I have to scream for my husband to stop the car. You can clearly see the Jeep in the river, and no one does anything. I try to climb down, but the cliff face is too steep. I try to slide, roll, whatever to get down to the river, and get my brothers out. (I know this seems like some huge feat, but really, the vehicle wasn't even completely submerged. Like maybe chest high water?

After they get out, I go back for a bag, because there is something really important in that bag. I don't know what it is, but is was more important than anything. Also, during this time, the rest of my family is still at the top of the cliff watching us.


I'm one of those kinds of people that are half way between 'Your dreams are just jumbles mess your subconscious slaps together' and 'EVERYTHING in your dream has a meaning, read this book about dreams!!!!!'

I know there is a meaning here.  I know I've been thinking a lot about my brothers lately. Regardless of what everyone else says, my two brothers and I really are kinda outsiders to the family.  When we get together 'as a family', it's my step-mothers family, not ours. All three of us have a really bad relationship with our mothers, and we are all starting to admit to ourselves that we are having issues and are trying to fix them.

Anyway, it's early, need coffee, but I had to get this down first.

Of Nightmares and Men

Don't know why I choose that title, but I like it, so =P

So we all know that one of the best and easiest things for good mental (really overall) health is sleep.
But what about when that sleep isn't good? 

I need sleep a lot. I'm one of those that 8 hours really isn't enough, so I usually cut my day short and get to bed pretty damn early.

Lately, the past couple of months, I've been having an insane amount of nightmares.  Like maybe 3 or 4 a week. I've always had them, but they are getting worse.

I know that they're linked to my anxiety, but it doesn't matter what I take before bed to calm me down, I still have them.

So I have this almost endless cycle of having a really bad nightmare (or several small ones) that results in me have very little restful sleep. So I wake up groggy and already on edge. Those seem to be the days that I have my major meltdowns. 

Like this morning.

So I missed Yoga yesterday. It was a bad day, and I just wasn't mentally prepared for it. But, I had today off, with it being the 4th and all, so I was going to get a good nights sleep, and head to the 10 am class.

It didn't work out that way. I had so many nightmares last night, I may have even been better off skipping the sleep all together. I don't remember a lot of details about the dreams, but I do remember being chased, which is top on my list of recurring nightmares. I think I woke up about 5 or 6 times in the night from different dreams.

So when I got up this morning, I was already worn down.  I was more mentally exhausted than I was before I went to bed last night, and I only finally fell asleep because my panics had worn me down to that point.

So I guess it comes to no surprise that I just couldn't do anything. I sat here in front of the computer, trying to just veg out until it was time to get ready, and it just hit me. An overwhelming sense of dread and despair.

Lots of really bad stuff went through my head, I yelled and screamed a lot, and it all ended with me taking a 4 hour nap, which means I missed the last Yoga class of the day, so yeah, I lost the challenge.

Sorry if you were hoping for something motivating. Didn't happen today.

Yoga Challenge: Day 3

So Day 3 didn't happen at all.

I lost out to my anxiety, again. It wasn't even really about the class. Well, maybe a little, but more just me being upset and pissed at life.

So how does it work? How can you have something that just really pisses you off, and then just let it go and not effect the rest of your day?  It seems I've never learned that concept.

So something set me off today, and I went onto a rant forum on Ravelry to, well, rant about it. It's supposed to be a place to let off steam.  But of course, there is always that one person that has to point out something that just pisses you off even more.

I don't know why I get so upset over such little things. Maybe I was never taught to let go as a child? Maybe I picked up the habit of holding a grudge from my mother, who, by the way, I still hold a huge grudge against?

Any way, I was way to worked up and exhausted to make the trip out to the yoga studio, so I decided to just come home and weep in shame. 

I am going tomorrow though, since I have a day off.  I'll get to sleep in, which is nice, because I've been cutting my sleeping hours down by way too much lately. I think I got maybe 5 hours last night? That may explain why I was so cranky all day.

It could also have something to do with the fact that I chose to do this on a week that I'm working 10 hour days in order to earn some comp time. I'm thinking now that that may have been a bad idea on my part.

Oh well. There is always tomorrow!

Yoga Challenge: Day 2

Yeah, so Day 2 did not go so well.

Yesterday was the first day at the new location. That on top of the fact that they just had a really good Groupon means that the place was packed. I mean, I was jealous of the room sardines get.

So I always show up early to class, to make sure I get a good spot, and I'll admit, it's usually by a door so that if they decide to crack them, I'm right there for the fresh air. That's half because of the heat, half because of the smell.

So I picked a spot close the the wall with the door, but these doors are different. There's a giant window wall that shows out to the parking lot, and I didn't want people outside to watch me, and didn't want the setting sun in my eyes, so I picked right by a pillar.  Wasn't a smart move on my part, but I'll get to that later.

I laid down and closed my eyes like I normally do, trying to get my zen on before class, so I was shocked to see when I stood up that there was easily 50 to 60 people in this class. My heart jumped. I thought I was lucky at the time to have at least one wall next to me, because I had someone in front, behind, and to my right all withing 'personal' space range. Like maybe a foot or two away from me.

I am not one that likes being very close to people, and we all know how I really can't stand being in large crowds, so even though I remembered to take my Xanax an hour before class, I started to panic.

I had to move around during Pranayama breathing because I was bumping my elbow against the guy next to me and the wall beside me. With Half Moon pose, I couldn't bend to my left, because I had a wall 6'' to my left.

By the time we got to Awkward Pose, my heart was racing, but not because of the heat. I was scared. I just couldn't do it any more.  For the first time in the 6 months I've been doing Bikram Yoga, I left the room. I just couldn't take it.  Of course, the teacher at the desk was worried I was dehydrated, having heat stroke, or just over worked, so it took some time to explain to her that I was having a panic attack. First day at the new location and I end up hyperventilating and crying in the lobby. Greeeaaat.

After about 10-15 minutes I was finally able to calm myself down and went back into the class. They were just starting Standing Bow, which I've always enjoyed, so I tried to get into it, but wasn't warmed up enough so I twinged my back. I took it down a notch was able to do much better.

Problems arose again during the Standing Separate Leg Stretching. The dude to my right went to the back of his mat, which meant I had to be in the front. But, the dude straight in front of me was also at the back. Which meant if I had bent down in a swan dive motion like I'm supposed to, I would have ended up with my face in his balls.  Not something I ever really want to do.

I had to skip out on Triangle pose all together, again because there just wasn't enough room. Savasana was even worse, because I had some dudes feet next to my face, and EVERY time he flexed his foot I got smacked in the face with it. Didn't help that the guy had yellow toenails. I was also very self conscious of the fact that my feet were in someone else's face. The lady behind me was so close that our mats were literally touching, and she didn't even shift to the side, she was directly behind me. So I had to lay at an angle, off my mat, just so I wouldn't kick her. That of course messed with my OCD because I was crooked on the mat, so more mental crap there.

((My OCD is very minor, and mostly has to do with things being even and centered.  When I meditate, if I'm not smack in the middle of the mat or bed, I can't focus. If a bra strap is lower than the other, I can't focus until it's fixed. If a chair is leaning to one side, I can't focus until it's fixed. So yeah, laying at an angle with my head and feet off the mat really set off my OCD))

By this time, I was just so fed up with the class that I hardly even tried in the floor series. Even the Savasana's were hard, because if I had my head to the right, dudes feet, head to the left, bright ass sun set in my eyes. Felt like I needed sunglasses.

So all in all, not enjoyable, BUT!!! I'm still going again tonight. I know, I'm crazy, right? I'm just going to make sure I'm there early enough to get a spot in the front of the class, right up against the mirrors. The idea of being in the front does make me a little self conscious, but I think I could deal with that better than stinky feet hitting me in the face.

Yoga challenge: Day 1

Ok, so I've decided to do a small scale Bikram Yoga challenge. Normally the challenge is 60 yoga classes in 60 days. I....don't think I can pull that off, mostly due to time.  So I'm going to try for 7 days straight. That's a total of 10.5 hours of workouts in a week. Sure as hell beats the 90 minutes a week I usually do.

I'm not new to Bikram, but I've only been half assing it for a while. 3 or 4 times a month usually, 6 max.

Now, not only is this an exercise for my body, but also of my mind.  The reason I've never really committed myself to it was because of my high anxiety levels. It's a very small, hot, smelly, crowded room, and it sets off my panic attacks.

I've been trying to lessen the amount of Xanax that I take because I can tell that I'm building a tolerance, and I really don't like the idea of getting addicted to it, so I want to use the yoga to help with that.  From what I know of CBT, it's called 'Flooding' and I'm going to use this smelly, crowded room to help me get over a lot of my social fears.

Last night was my first night of the week. I made sure to prep myself properly. Drank loads of water during the day, and even drank some of that nasty coconut water before hand for the potassium. I also took my Xanax a good 2 hours before hand, so I knew it would have kicked in.

Something just clicked with it though, which is why I'm even bothering to write this all down. I didn't focus on going super deep into the poses. I've always done that, always tried to get to where everyone else in the room was at, and I would always end up stressed and some times even hurt myself.

I focused on my breath, had a literal 'Breath In, Breath Out' mantra going on in my head.  When it came to the poses, I only went to the point that I could keep my breath slow. If it got to the point that I would hold my breath, or my breathing would speed up, and would take it back down a notch.

Then, something awesome happened. I did better than I ever had before! Not only could I bend further backwards, I didn't get lightheaded. I could pull myself higher during Cobra. I even did the first half of Camel, which is something I usually sit out.

But what was really important was that I enjoyed myself. I did it without the mental anxiety that I normally get. I felt good. Even on the parts that hurt, I felt good. I felt strong. Hell, after class was over I even stayed in the room and did some extra sit-ups.

So I go again tonight. Very rarely gone two days in a row, so we'll see how it goes. I'm making sure to prep myself again today, and will report in tomorrow!

Weird Emotion

Today has been a weird and emotional day for me.  A friend of my husband family passed away very suddenly.  I had only met the man twice, yet I'm extremely sad and depressed about it. I feel so much for his wife, who I do know a little, but still is really nothing more than a friend of the family.

The reason I find it weird is I've always had a hard time relating to people who have had family members die. I've never been able to get emotionally worked up over someone who I don't really know dying.  I know how it feels to lose loved ones.  I had three of my grandparents die within a 10 month period. But when it was separated from me, I just didn't have anything there, other than the feeling of awkwardness of how to interact with this person who just told me something terrible.

I still remember, when I was younger, we were visiting my grandparents in Dallas when JFK's son died in the plane crash. I think it was '99, so I would have been 14. I remember how completely broken up my step-mother was about it. Over a person she had never even met before.  Since we we're in Dallas, we made our way to the site where JFK was shot, and there was a sort of vigil going on.

I just couldn't wrap my head around it.  He was just a guy. He wasn't part of our lives, he wasn't family, none of these people were good friends with him.  So why get so worked up?

I've never been able to understand it, and I know that means that I'm not exactly normal when it comes to my emotional state of being.

So what does that make of me?  Have I always been some heartless monster, who is only now realizing how I'm supposed to react to different situations? I know that I've always been a selfish individual, there's no doubt about that. Is it finally starting to crack? Am I finally starting to be more human?

Most people would be happy about something like that, but it scares me.  I don't know how to handle them.  When it was my own family I could grieve because I loved them and they were a big part of my life and I would miss them terribly. But that is not the case here.  This is someone who I only met twice, was married to someone I had only met maybe three or four time.  How can one person possibly handle emotions being thrown at you like this every time someone you met has passed.

Have I flipped the coin.  Am I on the opposite side now? Where before I felt nothing, now I feel everything.  That's not good either. While I'm sort of glad that I'm growing as a person, this isn't helping the anxiety at all. ((I'll make it a point to make a post about that eventually.))

So yeah, emotions are weird.  I don't like them.

So...yeah

Have you ever had a day were you had everything planned out, and it was going to be awesome, but then something shitty happens and ruins it.

That's been my whole life, but mostly this past week. It's just been an endless cycle of crap happening, and me getting super upset.  Then I take my meds and calm down and try to look on the bright side of things. Then giant Karma monster comes and craps all over my bright side.  Again, flip out a little, calm myself down, and go 'Well, I'll just move over here, away from mountain of crap and start something new and better!', only to have it torn down by Hurricane 'Aww hell no!'

So yeah, that's been my week.  My MIL is in the hospital.  I was supposed to have my entire family come spend Memorial Day weekend with me, and I was really looking forward to it because I miss everyone, but they canceled at THE LAST POSSIBLE SECOND!!! 

Lastly, I was really looking forward to try to get back into my yoga again, and it was going to work out PERFECT for the month of June. Like, I actually turned to my husband and said "This months work schedule is going to be PERFECT for me to start going back to yoga."  And what do I find out? That they changed the class schedule at the LAST POSSIBLE SECOND so that there is no longer a 5:30 class. So of course, I get upset and make a facebook post about it. 

But then I realize, hey, maybe my supervisor will be cool with me changing my schedule to a later shift, so that I could go to the later class. She said yes, and HEY!!  Everything is great again. Then I get a call from Pure saying that they'll just go ahead and cancel my membership, and blah blah blah, and you don't come all that often anyway, and I trying to explain the CHAOS that was happening without going into it too much. So then I just feel guilty.

I'm one of those people that can't make decisions well by myself.  I'm always worried I'll make the wrong one.  This is one of those times.  I could have pushed for a refund for my membership, or change my schedule to accommodate.  I choose to change my schedule.  Now they're refunding anyway, and I'm stuck with a schedule I don't really want to work. 

So now, I can either tell Pure that I'm sorry, and I'll just stick with my membership and go at the later times, or I can ask my supervisor to change my schedule back.  Either way, I have egg on my face now.  And I can't decide which is better, cause chances are it's gonna end up blowing up in my face YET AGAIN, because every decision I make is wrong.

I really wish I had brought my knitting with me today.  I need it. =(

Knitting, Magic: The Gathering, and Social Anxiety Part 1

So one of the things that has been causing a big problem in my life has been the increase in my social anxiety.  I've never exactly been one to go out and about on a daily basis. I've never understood the type of people who would to to a coffee shop just to sit and read a book or surf the web? Why be amongst all those people when you could be safe at home on your sofa? Never made any sense to me.

I did, however, had two social activities that I really enjoyed. I had my knitting night on Wednesdays, and Friday Night Magic at my favorite comic shop, Dragon Lair Comics. Eventually though, my anxiety got to the point that I couldn't even handle going to those, even though I was with people I knew and liked.

For those of you who don't know, Magic: The Gathering is a card game that's been around for almost forever, and it's going stronger now then I've ever seen it before. I started playing back when I was in junior high, then stopped after high school.  When we moved into our new house, I found some of my old decks, and taught my husband how to play, and that's how we got started with all that. It was something fun for us to do together, and it was nice.

We stopped playing when things started going downhill with us.  We had some problems, and even once we worked on those, the stress of going out and being in a small room with 50 other people (many of whom were of the thought that showering was optional) was just too much for me to deal with.

We tried going back again once Dragon's Lair moved to their new local. It huge and bright and had none of the stale smell of Monster spilt on the carpet. But still, it was too much for me.

The Dragons Maze pre-release event was the hardest to deal with.  It was HUGE.  There was easily 80 people there. It was loud, people were pushing against other people trying to get a good look at the singles the store had to sell.  My anxiety got to the point to where I wanted to throw my first match just so I could have enough time to go the liquor store before the 2nd one started. 

I'm so lucky to have had my husband there with me.  He rubbed my back, and hugged me, and sat with me rather than trading cards with the other guys. He really is a sweetheart. Unfortunately it just wasn't enough to calm me down.

I know that I should not be that stressed out in a room full of shy nerdy boys. Most of them don't even look at me twice, yet I still get that nagging feeling in the back of my head like they are judging me. This ended up being one of the deciding factors in going to get the help that I needed.

Knit through the pain.

So there hasn't exactly been a lot of progress on any of my WIP's.  The truth is that there are so many things, so much mental anxiety right now that focusing on any one thing it just too hard to do.

I know it seems weird to talk about these things in a knitting blog, but I can't think of a better way to get all of this out.

For years I've had to deal with some level of social anxiety. I've never been comfortable in a crowded room, and I'm so shy that I've never been good at making and maintaining good solid friendships.  I was lucky when I met my husband, because he has always had the same problems, and it just seemed to work for us.  We would stay at home, entertain each other with our goofy nature, and live a boring, but mostly happy life.

I was lucky enough to find a knitting group full of wonderful ladies that I got a long well with, and I was happy to finally have a group of friends I could hang out with on a weekly basis.

Things all changed about a year ago.  Things happened.  I was starting to because unhappy with everything.  I made a lot of really stupid decisions, all of which I very deeply regret now. The consequences of those actions will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I started to become withdrawn from the world.  I stopped going to knit night.  After a while I stopped knitting all together.  I just couldn't find joy in it any more.  I stopped going to play Friday Night Magic with my husband, because I just couldn't deal with being in a room with that many people. I would even call in sick from work as often as I could, just to avoid everyone and everything.  My house because I mess, I stopped doing anything with my dog, and spent most of my time just sitting/lying around the house staring off into nothingness.

I was empty inside. I was for a very very long time. Then things started to change, but not for the better.  I became easily agitated. Any time anything went wrong, I would flip out. I couldn't handle even the smallest problem in my way.  I couldn't make decisions. What to eat, what to wear, what to do with my time, these all because things that would overwhelm my brain to the point of meltdown.  I just couldn't do it anymore.

I tried all the homeopathic routes to help heal myself.  I trying yoga, which I really did enjoy, except for when I would have panic attacks in the middle of class, and you can't exactly walk out. I tried hiking, hoping that spending some time outdoors, with my husband and my dog would help.  It really didn't though.

Finally it got to the point to where the stress and depression caused physical pain. Sharp shooting pain going from my right shoulder to my hip. If I half bent over for any reason, the muscles would spasm so badly I'd be in tears, and would just have to hobble to the nearest chair and sit and cry until the massive amounts of Tylenol and Aleve would kick in enough for me to start moving again.

This was when the drinking started.  I hesitate to say that I had a problem with alcohol, but I was definitely self medicating. It worked, for a while. Then it didn't. That was when I finally decided to go see someone.

I had a very particular bad weekend, and I was in no way prepared to face work on Monday.  But with my work, if you call in on a Monday, you need a note from a doctor.  I figured that was the best time to get my back checked out. I saw a different doctor than my normal one, and I'm glad that I did.  It's almost like he could tell that something was wrong mentally, to the point that it was causing my physical pain. He urged me to make another appointment with him, so discuss those issues, and after much thought and fear, I did. 

I'm glad that I did.  He forced me to talk about things that were only in my brain, and I've never ever been able to discuss with another person before. And I'm finally on medication. I've only been on it for short time, but I can already tell the difference.  Now my next step is to find a therapist to start going to go through that.

The best thing about this new change in my life is that I finally have interest in my hobbies again.  I picked up a sweater that has been sitting there for several months. I'm hoping to bring out the spinning wheel this weekend, I have so much fiber from Kid 'n Ewe left to work on.

I'm hoping that I can use this blog as a way to work my way through all these emotions. I need an outlet, so of course, the internet is always the best place for that.

Can't sleep, the zombies will get me!

So my mind has been very manic lately.  Been having a hard time streamlining it down to one train of thought.  Luckily I have hobbies to help keep my mind busy.
Couldn't seem to sleep, so I've decided to warp another scarf.  I've been doing math ((SO. MUCH. MATH.)) to figure out how to make a decent size scarf with exactly 100g of sock yarn, with as little waste as possible. 
I have my dimensions for warping 50g (approx 230 yards), but I'm concerned that the 50g left for the weft won't be enough, and I'll have to cut and waste most of the warp. 

So to test my theories, I'm using some Serenity Sock I got in a yarn swap forever ago:

Messy, mid-rearrangement living room.

I know the lighting sucks. There is no sun.



I figured I'm not so emotionally attached to this yarn that if any of it goes to waste, it's not a big deal. How sad is it that I'm emotionally attached to some of my yarn?

5:30am: Just finishing warping, but I have to wait for the husband to wake up to help me wrap everything up. Maybe I should go get coffee?


A happy accident: The plaid is coming from the yarn, not a pattern.

8:30AM: Got everything threaded and a good chunk of weaving done. This is going to look nice.  Maybe I should try to take a nap now. 

A new gig.

So I've been absent from the knitting world for quite a while.  It comes from a whole butt load of different reasons. 

Work is getting stressful.  New management will do that. I'm in school now, trying to move on to something better.  I'm hoping I'll be on to something else by this time next year. 

I've started to try to take better care of myself.  I'm only 27, and I already feel like I'm falling apart.  So thanks to a friend, I've started going to Bikram Yoga classes.  Ever heard of it?  It's this crazy hard yoga in a room heated to 105*. It sounds crazy, but it helps.  Nice way to heal my knees and back to the point that I can start adding in some regular exercise again.

Mostly though, it's just because my hands have been hurting too much. It seems like I can only knit for an hour before I start getting cramps.  I think I may need to go see someone about this.  It's getting to the point that I can't even type as much, and that's a big issue as that's what I do all day.

So, while not giving it up all together, I've moved on the other hobbies that take up less time and are easier on me.  Weaving mostly.

OMG LOOK AT THE PRETTY THING I MADE:

Northern Lights Scarf

OMG the prettys!

I was so surprised how something so simple could come out so amazing looking.  I use half a ball of Berroco Comfort Sock I had left over from a hat, and a ball and a half of Mini Mochi, and just did a basic weave. Total work time was MAYBE 6 hours (it was spread out over 2 days) and it's at least 6' long.  It's take weeks to knit something like that.

Anyho, that's what's been going on with me lately.  I'll try to post more stuff. 

So I just finished...

...the cutest little dice bag ever!

I lucked out with the pooling. Looks like stripes. Yarn is some mercerized cotton that's been in my stash forever, and I made the pattern up as I went along.

I'm gonna have to make another in blue for Rodney.

Next on my list is I'm going to try to weave some play mats for Magic: The Gathering. I've got the yarn and pattern ready, just need to find the time to warp it!