Knitting Therapy

So, for the past couple of months, there have been a lot of articles about using knitting as a form of therapy. I'm really glad that this is getting the notice that it deserves.

There are all sorts of different theories about why this is and how exactly it's helping your brain, and I think it's worth a look into all of them.

Some say it's the repetitive motion that helps soothe the brain. Much like sitting in a rocking chair would. While I think that might have some merit, I don't think that by itself could be it. I mean, how many assembly line workers think that their job is peaceful? The same motion, over and over again, at some point will get boring. That's why we knitters have so many projects going at once. (Example: side bar to right of all the projects I have going on right now.) I, personally, don't find boring to be very soothing. Something simple like a garter stitch scarf can be nice, even meditative for a while, but then it just starts to drag, and then you don't want to work on it any more, so you start something else, then you go back and look at that scarf and just start to feel the guilt of never having finished it.

So for that theory, I say yes for the short term, but over time, not so much. A knitter needs some sort of mental challenge. Throw some cables or lace in there!

This gets me to why I think knitting really helps in terms of dealing with anxiety, and even depression. It's the having to focus on something other than what is going through your mind that is causing those feelings. A simple knit stitch isn't going to cut it! Once you've been knitting for a while, you can do them without even looking down. That lets your mind wonder back into those thoughts. I've had times that I've been working on my Featherweight sweater, which is just a mind numbing amount of stockinette stitch, and the thoughts just start rolling in.

I know that the main cause of my depression and anxiety is me, myself and I. It's my brain going off on tangents thinking about things I've screwed up in the past, or things I could possibly screw up in the future. These are the times I need to take myself away from my brain. I need to focus on something else. I do tend to spend a lot of that time playing MMORPG's, but while that does help, again, not for the long term.

When I take that energy that I use to hurt myself, and focus it into this thing that will be a beautiful thing that I can have forever, that is where the peace comes from. No guilt over wasted time or effort, just a thing to look at and say 'I made this!'.

Just my two cents on the matter. If' you have any other thoughts on the matter, I'd love to hear them!

Ladies Craft Night.

So my lady friends and I got together for a late night craft party the other night. We got together to make tiny hats. There was plenty of wine and laughs to be found. 

Bonus: My hat was freaking baller. I mean look at this

 

 That's some Mad Hatter shit right there. 

 

My friend Heather made an adorable EXTRA tiny hat. 

Heather was the only one who remembered to buy hair clips, so she's the only one actually wearing hers. I didn't get any pictures of my friend Steph because by the time she got done with her hat we were all way to drunk to remember to do that. 

Spending the evening with them made me realize several things. One, these ladies are very much my best friends right now in my life. Which is a little weird because they're both coworkers. Secondly, they are the first friends that I've actually realized that they really like me as a person, rather than someone who just was being nice to me because they felt sorry for me. 

I've had that a lot in my life. That happened a lot in my childhood. Once, when I lived in Vermont, I had a girl who would be nice to me, but then she told me (via in a note in a Junior Mint box filled with rocks) that she never really liked me, and for me to stop talking to her because everyone else was making fun of her about it. 

That one hurt. It hurt a lot. I was at a very low point in my life then. My mom and dad had just split up, my mom moved my younger brother and I from Texas to Vermont in the middle of winter. No one there liked me, and they were all very very rude. I still remember how those little shits talked to the teachers up there. That shit would NOT have happened where I was from. You just didn't do things like that. All and all, it was the worst 3 months of my entire life, and I will never get over it.

That may have been the big one, but other things like that have happened over time. I think that scarred me quite a bit. I've always had that feeling, that people aren't saying nice things because they mean them, they say them because their nice, and that's how we are here. 

In Vermont, people just didn't care about your feelings, which is why no one was nice to me. Here in Texas, most people are raised to have manners and to be polite to others, so the thought of just coming out and saying horrible things to people (whether I think them or not) is really foreign to me. 

Anyway, getting back on topic. I don't get that feeling from these ladies.  Heather out-and-out said to me that if she didn't like me, she would not be hanging out with me. She would not have invited me to her house. That made me believe her. No one has ever put it to me like that.

So yeah, pretty much the point I'm trying to get across here, is that if anyone is reading this, and you have the same fears of rejections, come out and ask them. Think of them and how they are. Are they the type of people that would ever do that? If you know these people who are genuinely good people, do you really think that they would invite them into their life all while thinking venomous thoughts about you?

My therapist said that kind of thinking is to protect yourself. I would think that about everyone in my life (my husband included, who honestly could have left me years ago and not have felt any shame in doing so) was only trying to be nice to me because when they came out and said it, it wouldn't hurt as much. 

This is one of the big things I need to work on. 

 

Working on things.

It's been a busy couple of weeks. There's been stuff at work going on and I'm been having some in-law issues, so trying to find the time to sit down and really think on how to change my life gets kind of pushed back. It seems silly to think that just sitting here typing out my thoughts would make a difference, but it really does.

So I had another visit with my therapist yesterday, and she sort of got onto me for not doing my 'homework'. The biggest thing was that I really need to go somewhere that's (at least slightly) crowded, and sit down, and be okay being there by myself.

I got some points for going to a 4th of July party where I only knew two people, but when I mentioned that I kinda stuck by their sides the whole time, she said that I need to try it without a crutch.

She suggested a coffee shop would be the best place. I've always kind of wanted to be one of those people, though I don't exactly know why. Maybe because that's what I perceive as normal? Anyway, that would be an ideal place because there would be people, but they're all kinda focused on their own thing, and if I needed to make a quick exit, I could without any problems.

I kind of always feel weird is these kind of situations. My main coping mechanism is knitting, but I still always feel weird knitting in public because it's different than what other people do, and might attract attention.

I spoke about this with her, and she brought up a very good point. I live in Austin. Knitting is not exactly the weirdest thing anyone's ever seen. I mean everyone is almost immune to the weird.

Example: At my work, we see a lot of people who have just moved here from other states. We've had a bunch of people comment on it, particularly about the dude that rides his bike wearing nothing but a G-string. My first response? 'Oh yeah, him. He rides around here a lot'.

If someone can ride around being as close to naked as you can get, why do I think that people would judge me for sitting in a coffee shop knitting. So yeah, that thought helped. So now all I need to do is actually go and do that. Maybe I'll post pictures.

Yoga Challenge: Day 3

So Day 3 didn't happen at all.

I lost out to my anxiety, again. It wasn't even really about the class. Well, maybe a little, but more just me being upset and pissed at life.

So how does it work? How can you have something that just really pisses you off, and then just let it go and not effect the rest of your day?  It seems I've never learned that concept.

So something set me off today, and I went onto a rant forum on Ravelry to, well, rant about it. It's supposed to be a place to let off steam.  But of course, there is always that one person that has to point out something that just pisses you off even more.

I don't know why I get so upset over such little things. Maybe I was never taught to let go as a child? Maybe I picked up the habit of holding a grudge from my mother, who, by the way, I still hold a huge grudge against?

Any way, I was way to worked up and exhausted to make the trip out to the yoga studio, so I decided to just come home and weep in shame. 

I am going tomorrow though, since I have a day off.  I'll get to sleep in, which is nice, because I've been cutting my sleeping hours down by way too much lately. I think I got maybe 5 hours last night? That may explain why I was so cranky all day.

It could also have something to do with the fact that I chose to do this on a week that I'm working 10 hour days in order to earn some comp time. I'm thinking now that that may have been a bad idea on my part.

Oh well. There is always tomorrow!

Yoga Challenge: Day 2

Yeah, so Day 2 did not go so well.

Yesterday was the first day at the new location. That on top of the fact that they just had a really good Groupon means that the place was packed. I mean, I was jealous of the room sardines get.

So I always show up early to class, to make sure I get a good spot, and I'll admit, it's usually by a door so that if they decide to crack them, I'm right there for the fresh air. That's half because of the heat, half because of the smell.

So I picked a spot close the the wall with the door, but these doors are different. There's a giant window wall that shows out to the parking lot, and I didn't want people outside to watch me, and didn't want the setting sun in my eyes, so I picked right by a pillar.  Wasn't a smart move on my part, but I'll get to that later.

I laid down and closed my eyes like I normally do, trying to get my zen on before class, so I was shocked to see when I stood up that there was easily 50 to 60 people in this class. My heart jumped. I thought I was lucky at the time to have at least one wall next to me, because I had someone in front, behind, and to my right all withing 'personal' space range. Like maybe a foot or two away from me.

I am not one that likes being very close to people, and we all know how I really can't stand being in large crowds, so even though I remembered to take my Xanax an hour before class, I started to panic.

I had to move around during Pranayama breathing because I was bumping my elbow against the guy next to me and the wall beside me. With Half Moon pose, I couldn't bend to my left, because I had a wall 6'' to my left.

By the time we got to Awkward Pose, my heart was racing, but not because of the heat. I was scared. I just couldn't do it any more.  For the first time in the 6 months I've been doing Bikram Yoga, I left the room. I just couldn't take it.  Of course, the teacher at the desk was worried I was dehydrated, having heat stroke, or just over worked, so it took some time to explain to her that I was having a panic attack. First day at the new location and I end up hyperventilating and crying in the lobby. Greeeaaat.

After about 10-15 minutes I was finally able to calm myself down and went back into the class. They were just starting Standing Bow, which I've always enjoyed, so I tried to get into it, but wasn't warmed up enough so I twinged my back. I took it down a notch was able to do much better.

Problems arose again during the Standing Separate Leg Stretching. The dude to my right went to the back of his mat, which meant I had to be in the front. But, the dude straight in front of me was also at the back. Which meant if I had bent down in a swan dive motion like I'm supposed to, I would have ended up with my face in his balls.  Not something I ever really want to do.

I had to skip out on Triangle pose all together, again because there just wasn't enough room. Savasana was even worse, because I had some dudes feet next to my face, and EVERY time he flexed his foot I got smacked in the face with it. Didn't help that the guy had yellow toenails. I was also very self conscious of the fact that my feet were in someone else's face. The lady behind me was so close that our mats were literally touching, and she didn't even shift to the side, she was directly behind me. So I had to lay at an angle, off my mat, just so I wouldn't kick her. That of course messed with my OCD because I was crooked on the mat, so more mental crap there.

((My OCD is very minor, and mostly has to do with things being even and centered.  When I meditate, if I'm not smack in the middle of the mat or bed, I can't focus. If a bra strap is lower than the other, I can't focus until it's fixed. If a chair is leaning to one side, I can't focus until it's fixed. So yeah, laying at an angle with my head and feet off the mat really set off my OCD))

By this time, I was just so fed up with the class that I hardly even tried in the floor series. Even the Savasana's were hard, because if I had my head to the right, dudes feet, head to the left, bright ass sun set in my eyes. Felt like I needed sunglasses.

So all in all, not enjoyable, BUT!!! I'm still going again tonight. I know, I'm crazy, right? I'm just going to make sure I'm there early enough to get a spot in the front of the class, right up against the mirrors. The idea of being in the front does make me a little self conscious, but I think I could deal with that better than stinky feet hitting me in the face.

Yoga challenge: Day 1

Ok, so I've decided to do a small scale Bikram Yoga challenge. Normally the challenge is 60 yoga classes in 60 days. I....don't think I can pull that off, mostly due to time.  So I'm going to try for 7 days straight. That's a total of 10.5 hours of workouts in a week. Sure as hell beats the 90 minutes a week I usually do.

I'm not new to Bikram, but I've only been half assing it for a while. 3 or 4 times a month usually, 6 max.

Now, not only is this an exercise for my body, but also of my mind.  The reason I've never really committed myself to it was because of my high anxiety levels. It's a very small, hot, smelly, crowded room, and it sets off my panic attacks.

I've been trying to lessen the amount of Xanax that I take because I can tell that I'm building a tolerance, and I really don't like the idea of getting addicted to it, so I want to use the yoga to help with that.  From what I know of CBT, it's called 'Flooding' and I'm going to use this smelly, crowded room to help me get over a lot of my social fears.

Last night was my first night of the week. I made sure to prep myself properly. Drank loads of water during the day, and even drank some of that nasty coconut water before hand for the potassium. I also took my Xanax a good 2 hours before hand, so I knew it would have kicked in.

Something just clicked with it though, which is why I'm even bothering to write this all down. I didn't focus on going super deep into the poses. I've always done that, always tried to get to where everyone else in the room was at, and I would always end up stressed and some times even hurt myself.

I focused on my breath, had a literal 'Breath In, Breath Out' mantra going on in my head.  When it came to the poses, I only went to the point that I could keep my breath slow. If it got to the point that I would hold my breath, or my breathing would speed up, and would take it back down a notch.

Then, something awesome happened. I did better than I ever had before! Not only could I bend further backwards, I didn't get lightheaded. I could pull myself higher during Cobra. I even did the first half of Camel, which is something I usually sit out.

But what was really important was that I enjoyed myself. I did it without the mental anxiety that I normally get. I felt good. Even on the parts that hurt, I felt good. I felt strong. Hell, after class was over I even stayed in the room and did some extra sit-ups.

So I go again tonight. Very rarely gone two days in a row, so we'll see how it goes. I'm making sure to prep myself again today, and will report in tomorrow!

Weird Emotion

Today has been a weird and emotional day for me.  A friend of my husband family passed away very suddenly.  I had only met the man twice, yet I'm extremely sad and depressed about it. I feel so much for his wife, who I do know a little, but still is really nothing more than a friend of the family.

The reason I find it weird is I've always had a hard time relating to people who have had family members die. I've never been able to get emotionally worked up over someone who I don't really know dying.  I know how it feels to lose loved ones.  I had three of my grandparents die within a 10 month period. But when it was separated from me, I just didn't have anything there, other than the feeling of awkwardness of how to interact with this person who just told me something terrible.

I still remember, when I was younger, we were visiting my grandparents in Dallas when JFK's son died in the plane crash. I think it was '99, so I would have been 14. I remember how completely broken up my step-mother was about it. Over a person she had never even met before.  Since we we're in Dallas, we made our way to the site where JFK was shot, and there was a sort of vigil going on.

I just couldn't wrap my head around it.  He was just a guy. He wasn't part of our lives, he wasn't family, none of these people were good friends with him.  So why get so worked up?

I've never been able to understand it, and I know that means that I'm not exactly normal when it comes to my emotional state of being.

So what does that make of me?  Have I always been some heartless monster, who is only now realizing how I'm supposed to react to different situations? I know that I've always been a selfish individual, there's no doubt about that. Is it finally starting to crack? Am I finally starting to be more human?

Most people would be happy about something like that, but it scares me.  I don't know how to handle them.  When it was my own family I could grieve because I loved them and they were a big part of my life and I would miss them terribly. But that is not the case here.  This is someone who I only met twice, was married to someone I had only met maybe three or four time.  How can one person possibly handle emotions being thrown at you like this every time someone you met has passed.

Have I flipped the coin.  Am I on the opposite side now? Where before I felt nothing, now I feel everything.  That's not good either. While I'm sort of glad that I'm growing as a person, this isn't helping the anxiety at all. ((I'll make it a point to make a post about that eventually.))

So yeah, emotions are weird.  I don't like them.

Knitting, Magic: The Gathering, and Social Anxiety Part 1

So one of the things that has been causing a big problem in my life has been the increase in my social anxiety.  I've never exactly been one to go out and about on a daily basis. I've never understood the type of people who would to to a coffee shop just to sit and read a book or surf the web? Why be amongst all those people when you could be safe at home on your sofa? Never made any sense to me.

I did, however, had two social activities that I really enjoyed. I had my knitting night on Wednesdays, and Friday Night Magic at my favorite comic shop, Dragon Lair Comics. Eventually though, my anxiety got to the point that I couldn't even handle going to those, even though I was with people I knew and liked.

For those of you who don't know, Magic: The Gathering is a card game that's been around for almost forever, and it's going stronger now then I've ever seen it before. I started playing back when I was in junior high, then stopped after high school.  When we moved into our new house, I found some of my old decks, and taught my husband how to play, and that's how we got started with all that. It was something fun for us to do together, and it was nice.

We stopped playing when things started going downhill with us.  We had some problems, and even once we worked on those, the stress of going out and being in a small room with 50 other people (many of whom were of the thought that showering was optional) was just too much for me to deal with.

We tried going back again once Dragon's Lair moved to their new local. It huge and bright and had none of the stale smell of Monster spilt on the carpet. But still, it was too much for me.

The Dragons Maze pre-release event was the hardest to deal with.  It was HUGE.  There was easily 80 people there. It was loud, people were pushing against other people trying to get a good look at the singles the store had to sell.  My anxiety got to the point to where I wanted to throw my first match just so I could have enough time to go the liquor store before the 2nd one started. 

I'm so lucky to have had my husband there with me.  He rubbed my back, and hugged me, and sat with me rather than trading cards with the other guys. He really is a sweetheart. Unfortunately it just wasn't enough to calm me down.

I know that I should not be that stressed out in a room full of shy nerdy boys. Most of them don't even look at me twice, yet I still get that nagging feeling in the back of my head like they are judging me. This ended up being one of the deciding factors in going to get the help that I needed.

Knit through the pain.

So there hasn't exactly been a lot of progress on any of my WIP's.  The truth is that there are so many things, so much mental anxiety right now that focusing on any one thing it just too hard to do.

I know it seems weird to talk about these things in a knitting blog, but I can't think of a better way to get all of this out.

For years I've had to deal with some level of social anxiety. I've never been comfortable in a crowded room, and I'm so shy that I've never been good at making and maintaining good solid friendships.  I was lucky when I met my husband, because he has always had the same problems, and it just seemed to work for us.  We would stay at home, entertain each other with our goofy nature, and live a boring, but mostly happy life.

I was lucky enough to find a knitting group full of wonderful ladies that I got a long well with, and I was happy to finally have a group of friends I could hang out with on a weekly basis.

Things all changed about a year ago.  Things happened.  I was starting to because unhappy with everything.  I made a lot of really stupid decisions, all of which I very deeply regret now. The consequences of those actions will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I started to become withdrawn from the world.  I stopped going to knit night.  After a while I stopped knitting all together.  I just couldn't find joy in it any more.  I stopped going to play Friday Night Magic with my husband, because I just couldn't deal with being in a room with that many people. I would even call in sick from work as often as I could, just to avoid everyone and everything.  My house because I mess, I stopped doing anything with my dog, and spent most of my time just sitting/lying around the house staring off into nothingness.

I was empty inside. I was for a very very long time. Then things started to change, but not for the better.  I became easily agitated. Any time anything went wrong, I would flip out. I couldn't handle even the smallest problem in my way.  I couldn't make decisions. What to eat, what to wear, what to do with my time, these all because things that would overwhelm my brain to the point of meltdown.  I just couldn't do it anymore.

I tried all the homeopathic routes to help heal myself.  I trying yoga, which I really did enjoy, except for when I would have panic attacks in the middle of class, and you can't exactly walk out. I tried hiking, hoping that spending some time outdoors, with my husband and my dog would help.  It really didn't though.

Finally it got to the point to where the stress and depression caused physical pain. Sharp shooting pain going from my right shoulder to my hip. If I half bent over for any reason, the muscles would spasm so badly I'd be in tears, and would just have to hobble to the nearest chair and sit and cry until the massive amounts of Tylenol and Aleve would kick in enough for me to start moving again.

This was when the drinking started.  I hesitate to say that I had a problem with alcohol, but I was definitely self medicating. It worked, for a while. Then it didn't. That was when I finally decided to go see someone.

I had a very particular bad weekend, and I was in no way prepared to face work on Monday.  But with my work, if you call in on a Monday, you need a note from a doctor.  I figured that was the best time to get my back checked out. I saw a different doctor than my normal one, and I'm glad that I did.  It's almost like he could tell that something was wrong mentally, to the point that it was causing my physical pain. He urged me to make another appointment with him, so discuss those issues, and after much thought and fear, I did. 

I'm glad that I did.  He forced me to talk about things that were only in my brain, and I've never ever been able to discuss with another person before. And I'm finally on medication. I've only been on it for short time, but I can already tell the difference.  Now my next step is to find a therapist to start going to go through that.

The best thing about this new change in my life is that I finally have interest in my hobbies again.  I picked up a sweater that has been sitting there for several months. I'm hoping to bring out the spinning wheel this weekend, I have so much fiber from Kid 'n Ewe left to work on.

I'm hoping that I can use this blog as a way to work my way through all these emotions. I need an outlet, so of course, the internet is always the best place for that.