So...yeah

Have you ever had a day were you had everything planned out, and it was going to be awesome, but then something shitty happens and ruins it.

That's been my whole life, but mostly this past week. It's just been an endless cycle of crap happening, and me getting super upset.  Then I take my meds and calm down and try to look on the bright side of things. Then giant Karma monster comes and craps all over my bright side.  Again, flip out a little, calm myself down, and go 'Well, I'll just move over here, away from mountain of crap and start something new and better!', only to have it torn down by Hurricane 'Aww hell no!'

So yeah, that's been my week.  My MIL is in the hospital.  I was supposed to have my entire family come spend Memorial Day weekend with me, and I was really looking forward to it because I miss everyone, but they canceled at THE LAST POSSIBLE SECOND!!! 

Lastly, I was really looking forward to try to get back into my yoga again, and it was going to work out PERFECT for the month of June. Like, I actually turned to my husband and said "This months work schedule is going to be PERFECT for me to start going back to yoga."  And what do I find out? That they changed the class schedule at the LAST POSSIBLE SECOND so that there is no longer a 5:30 class. So of course, I get upset and make a facebook post about it. 

But then I realize, hey, maybe my supervisor will be cool with me changing my schedule to a later shift, so that I could go to the later class. She said yes, and HEY!!  Everything is great again. Then I get a call from Pure saying that they'll just go ahead and cancel my membership, and blah blah blah, and you don't come all that often anyway, and I trying to explain the CHAOS that was happening without going into it too much. So then I just feel guilty.

I'm one of those people that can't make decisions well by myself.  I'm always worried I'll make the wrong one.  This is one of those times.  I could have pushed for a refund for my membership, or change my schedule to accommodate.  I choose to change my schedule.  Now they're refunding anyway, and I'm stuck with a schedule I don't really want to work. 

So now, I can either tell Pure that I'm sorry, and I'll just stick with my membership and go at the later times, or I can ask my supervisor to change my schedule back.  Either way, I have egg on my face now.  And I can't decide which is better, cause chances are it's gonna end up blowing up in my face YET AGAIN, because every decision I make is wrong.

I really wish I had brought my knitting with me today.  I need it. =(

Knitting, Magic: The Gathering, and Social Anxiety Part 1

So one of the things that has been causing a big problem in my life has been the increase in my social anxiety.  I've never exactly been one to go out and about on a daily basis. I've never understood the type of people who would to to a coffee shop just to sit and read a book or surf the web? Why be amongst all those people when you could be safe at home on your sofa? Never made any sense to me.

I did, however, had two social activities that I really enjoyed. I had my knitting night on Wednesdays, and Friday Night Magic at my favorite comic shop, Dragon Lair Comics. Eventually though, my anxiety got to the point that I couldn't even handle going to those, even though I was with people I knew and liked.

For those of you who don't know, Magic: The Gathering is a card game that's been around for almost forever, and it's going stronger now then I've ever seen it before. I started playing back when I was in junior high, then stopped after high school.  When we moved into our new house, I found some of my old decks, and taught my husband how to play, and that's how we got started with all that. It was something fun for us to do together, and it was nice.

We stopped playing when things started going downhill with us.  We had some problems, and even once we worked on those, the stress of going out and being in a small room with 50 other people (many of whom were of the thought that showering was optional) was just too much for me to deal with.

We tried going back again once Dragon's Lair moved to their new local. It huge and bright and had none of the stale smell of Monster spilt on the carpet. But still, it was too much for me.

The Dragons Maze pre-release event was the hardest to deal with.  It was HUGE.  There was easily 80 people there. It was loud, people were pushing against other people trying to get a good look at the singles the store had to sell.  My anxiety got to the point to where I wanted to throw my first match just so I could have enough time to go the liquor store before the 2nd one started. 

I'm so lucky to have had my husband there with me.  He rubbed my back, and hugged me, and sat with me rather than trading cards with the other guys. He really is a sweetheart. Unfortunately it just wasn't enough to calm me down.

I know that I should not be that stressed out in a room full of shy nerdy boys. Most of them don't even look at me twice, yet I still get that nagging feeling in the back of my head like they are judging me. This ended up being one of the deciding factors in going to get the help that I needed.

Knit through the pain.

So there hasn't exactly been a lot of progress on any of my WIP's.  The truth is that there are so many things, so much mental anxiety right now that focusing on any one thing it just too hard to do.

I know it seems weird to talk about these things in a knitting blog, but I can't think of a better way to get all of this out.

For years I've had to deal with some level of social anxiety. I've never been comfortable in a crowded room, and I'm so shy that I've never been good at making and maintaining good solid friendships.  I was lucky when I met my husband, because he has always had the same problems, and it just seemed to work for us.  We would stay at home, entertain each other with our goofy nature, and live a boring, but mostly happy life.

I was lucky enough to find a knitting group full of wonderful ladies that I got a long well with, and I was happy to finally have a group of friends I could hang out with on a weekly basis.

Things all changed about a year ago.  Things happened.  I was starting to because unhappy with everything.  I made a lot of really stupid decisions, all of which I very deeply regret now. The consequences of those actions will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I started to become withdrawn from the world.  I stopped going to knit night.  After a while I stopped knitting all together.  I just couldn't find joy in it any more.  I stopped going to play Friday Night Magic with my husband, because I just couldn't deal with being in a room with that many people. I would even call in sick from work as often as I could, just to avoid everyone and everything.  My house because I mess, I stopped doing anything with my dog, and spent most of my time just sitting/lying around the house staring off into nothingness.

I was empty inside. I was for a very very long time. Then things started to change, but not for the better.  I became easily agitated. Any time anything went wrong, I would flip out. I couldn't handle even the smallest problem in my way.  I couldn't make decisions. What to eat, what to wear, what to do with my time, these all because things that would overwhelm my brain to the point of meltdown.  I just couldn't do it anymore.

I tried all the homeopathic routes to help heal myself.  I trying yoga, which I really did enjoy, except for when I would have panic attacks in the middle of class, and you can't exactly walk out. I tried hiking, hoping that spending some time outdoors, with my husband and my dog would help.  It really didn't though.

Finally it got to the point to where the stress and depression caused physical pain. Sharp shooting pain going from my right shoulder to my hip. If I half bent over for any reason, the muscles would spasm so badly I'd be in tears, and would just have to hobble to the nearest chair and sit and cry until the massive amounts of Tylenol and Aleve would kick in enough for me to start moving again.

This was when the drinking started.  I hesitate to say that I had a problem with alcohol, but I was definitely self medicating. It worked, for a while. Then it didn't. That was when I finally decided to go see someone.

I had a very particular bad weekend, and I was in no way prepared to face work on Monday.  But with my work, if you call in on a Monday, you need a note from a doctor.  I figured that was the best time to get my back checked out. I saw a different doctor than my normal one, and I'm glad that I did.  It's almost like he could tell that something was wrong mentally, to the point that it was causing my physical pain. He urged me to make another appointment with him, so discuss those issues, and after much thought and fear, I did. 

I'm glad that I did.  He forced me to talk about things that were only in my brain, and I've never ever been able to discuss with another person before. And I'm finally on medication. I've only been on it for short time, but I can already tell the difference.  Now my next step is to find a therapist to start going to go through that.

The best thing about this new change in my life is that I finally have interest in my hobbies again.  I picked up a sweater that has been sitting there for several months. I'm hoping to bring out the spinning wheel this weekend, I have so much fiber from Kid 'n Ewe left to work on.

I'm hoping that I can use this blog as a way to work my way through all these emotions. I need an outlet, so of course, the internet is always the best place for that.

Can't sleep, the zombies will get me!

So my mind has been very manic lately.  Been having a hard time streamlining it down to one train of thought.  Luckily I have hobbies to help keep my mind busy.
Couldn't seem to sleep, so I've decided to warp another scarf.  I've been doing math ((SO. MUCH. MATH.)) to figure out how to make a decent size scarf with exactly 100g of sock yarn, with as little waste as possible. 
I have my dimensions for warping 50g (approx 230 yards), but I'm concerned that the 50g left for the weft won't be enough, and I'll have to cut and waste most of the warp. 

So to test my theories, I'm using some Serenity Sock I got in a yarn swap forever ago:

Messy, mid-rearrangement living room.

I know the lighting sucks. There is no sun.



I figured I'm not so emotionally attached to this yarn that if any of it goes to waste, it's not a big deal. How sad is it that I'm emotionally attached to some of my yarn?

5:30am: Just finishing warping, but I have to wait for the husband to wake up to help me wrap everything up. Maybe I should go get coffee?


A happy accident: The plaid is coming from the yarn, not a pattern.

8:30AM: Got everything threaded and a good chunk of weaving done. This is going to look nice.  Maybe I should try to take a nap now. 

A new gig.

So I've been absent from the knitting world for quite a while.  It comes from a whole butt load of different reasons. 

Work is getting stressful.  New management will do that. I'm in school now, trying to move on to something better.  I'm hoping I'll be on to something else by this time next year. 

I've started to try to take better care of myself.  I'm only 27, and I already feel like I'm falling apart.  So thanks to a friend, I've started going to Bikram Yoga classes.  Ever heard of it?  It's this crazy hard yoga in a room heated to 105*. It sounds crazy, but it helps.  Nice way to heal my knees and back to the point that I can start adding in some regular exercise again.

Mostly though, it's just because my hands have been hurting too much. It seems like I can only knit for an hour before I start getting cramps.  I think I may need to go see someone about this.  It's getting to the point that I can't even type as much, and that's a big issue as that's what I do all day.

So, while not giving it up all together, I've moved on the other hobbies that take up less time and are easier on me.  Weaving mostly.

OMG LOOK AT THE PRETTY THING I MADE:

Northern Lights Scarf

OMG the prettys!

I was so surprised how something so simple could come out so amazing looking.  I use half a ball of Berroco Comfort Sock I had left over from a hat, and a ball and a half of Mini Mochi, and just did a basic weave. Total work time was MAYBE 6 hours (it was spread out over 2 days) and it's at least 6' long.  It's take weeks to knit something like that.

Anyho, that's what's been going on with me lately.  I'll try to post more stuff. 

So I just finished...

...the cutest little dice bag ever!

I lucked out with the pooling. Looks like stripes. Yarn is some mercerized cotton that's been in my stash forever, and I made the pattern up as I went along.

I'm gonna have to make another in blue for Rodney.

Next on my list is I'm going to try to weave some play mats for Magic: The Gathering. I've got the yarn and pattern ready, just need to find the time to warp it!

I'm aliiiive!

No realy though, I am. I guess life just has a way of taking over everything. So let's see, what's happened in the last year and a half....

Biggest thing is I've gone back to school. Not like full time school school, but online career school; which is better than nothing. I'm trying to get my work certification in Medical Transcriptioning, something I think will work great for me since I can usually type at about 50 wpm. So yeah, that's what's taking up most of my time right now.

I've also join a few online book clubs (Vaginal Fantasy Hangout being one of them) and a Goodreads challenge to read 24 books in a year. I read somewhere that if you want to be a really good writer, you need to read tons and tons of books, to help get a better feel for character and world building.

Speaking of writing, I've got an idea for a new plot that I think would work really well. I've made it a point to write this book. Even if no one ever reads it, I still need to write it.

I'm still knitting and spinning (I've also started up weaving) but with everything else going on, its kinda been put to the wayside. I think that once school is done I should be able to catch back up.

My WIP list is insane right now:
     *Featherweight (that's right. The same one from 2 years ago. Only need the sleeves though.)
     *Olive
     *Beaded Haruni is still OTN as well
     *Swallowtail Shawl (a 2nd one)
     *at least 5 pairs of socks
     *3 crocheted blankets
     *something else that I know I'm forgetting
So yeah....just a little behind.

Oh! I also got married, bought a house, and got a dog! Big life changes all around!